When it rains, it pours. It certainly does seem that way, right? At this moment in my life, I am going through huge stress/changes in my work, home, and personal life that all seem to be happening at once. I find it hard to concentrate on everything, and I have some trouble trusting my instincts, but like my mom keeps telling me, I will get through it, I will figure it out, I just have to take it day by day, step by step. Life is a series of hills and valleys. Like always, I do think about all of the wonderful people and opportunities and situations in my life, and I know that I have a lot to feel good about. Especially considering the state of the world. Sometimes I find it hard to balance my personal worries with the considerably larger worries of others...I feel foolish for crying about myself when there are so many worse things going on. But at the same time, as humans, we can't just ignore ourselves and our difficulties. We cannot feel guilty for trying to deal with our own lives. As long as we are aware of others and doing our best to be a part of society in the best way possible, we are not completely selfish...but is that enough? There are people who give their lives almost completely to the service of others...I marvel at those people, and I wonder if I am less of a good person for not being this way. Yet when I write that, I realize how selfish it sounds - it's not about being a good person or a bad person. Perhaps life is about knowing who you are and the gifts you possess and using yourself in the best way you know how. Be kind to others, use your talents, educate yourself, lend a listening ear or a helping hand...if that means writing a song, doing Teach for America, volunteering your aide in disaster struck areas, donating money to specific funds and charities, or simply talking to others and raising awareness about an important issue...all can be good ways of living as one of the billions of people in this crazy world. I don't know, I'm rambling.
Do you ever find yourself feeling nostalgic for times in your life that were not particularly great, simply because they are over? I feel that way about middle school and high school. I completely understand my nostalgia for the simplicity of childhood and the lovely days of college/post college (as they pass), but the middle/high school time isn't necessary full of life changing and beautiful memories. I mean, some of the best people I have in my life are from this period, and I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today without those awkward young adult times...but the moments of beauty are often overshadowed by the memories of insecurity, awkward hair, changing bodies, chemistry homework (which I actually enjoyed at the time...), and friendship issues. At the same time, when I think back to my days in Tacoma, WA and Galesburg, IL, I find that I miss them...there is something so attractive about the past when you are looking at it with a slightly more experienced eye. I know how things turned out, so what made me sad then does not make me sad when I think back to it, rather I find it to be more humorous and whimsical. And someday, this period in my life - a 26 year old finding my way through adulthood in New York City, dealing with a bedroom that rains inside when it's raining outside, a job that I enjoy but is most likely giving me an ulcer, and a dream of being an actor/singer/songwriter/dancer that is completely possible and impossible at the same time - this will be the new nostalgic time. So much can happen, I'm so drunk with a love for life and I deeply fear it all at once, it's quite overwhelming.
Another topic I want to discuss is the desire to achieve perfection. I have been thinking about this a lot with my current job. I work with a team of people to create a beautiful and sellable display of garments and dressed up plastic people only to watch it torn to shreds by the greedy hands of New York City shoppers. No one knows that we come in at the ass crack of dawn each day to fulfill the wishes of the upper visionaries, no one watches us drag ladders back and forth, no one sees us hoisting fake people equal to or greater than our weight and size up and down scaffolding. No one is there to rub in the burn cream after that cheap iron leaves another brutal scar. And just when you think you've succeeded, and you've impressed the right people, another group of people comes in to tell you to change everything and wonders why is everything is a mess. I tell myself not to get down and disappointed, but when others seem down and disappointed in me it's difficult to not be affected. However, the other day I was on a subway line that was having some issues (the 7 train, obv, ugh Queens ;o) haha) and we had to stop underground to let a bunch of MTA workers onto the train (I mean who wants to hang out down there, really?). And I started thinking about their job...they are constantly fixing tracks and cars and electrical stuff and who knows what else, like I even know what I'm talking about...and the next day they have to do the same thing over and over again, with people complaining about slow service and fucked up changes (I won't say I haven't been one of the complainers), when really they must be thinking, "Shut UP, you wanna come down here and hang out with the rats? No? Then let me do my job!" And then I thought further about chefs...they prepare beautiful meals that are masticated into the hungry and greedy mouths of the human race and then shit out a number of hours later. If you clean your house, it is dirty again within three days. Sometimes I feel as though it would be better to let the dust pile up cuz if I dust, dust will return. You make money only to spend it. I feel somewhat depressed about all of this. BUT. YOU CANNOT AVOID IT! So why get depressed, right? Enjoy those gourmet meals and shit them out with pleasure. Do your job well and know that people ruining it only helps you keep your job for another day. Clean your house and feel proud of it, and when it's dirty again turn on some dance music and spice things up by cleaning in sexy panties. Life is messy. So it sex...but we like sex, we aren't going to stop having sex (at least I won't) so in short, we must deal with the mess. And maybe try to find the good in it. Because perfection cannot be achieved. I need to stop seeing that as a bad thing.
[amanda]
title quote - "Swimming," Florence + the Machine, Lungs - The B-sides
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