[time for you to go out to the places you will be from]

It is excruciatingly hot here right now. Like...I don't even know what to do with myself besides lie around in as little clothing as possible. We do have a little window air conditioning unit, and she's doing her best, she really is, but it's hard to keep up with 110 degrees. Ugh. I would much rather be cold, at least you can layer and snuggle.

When it was merely warm outside last week, instead of this oven we are living in at the moment, I did some neighborhood exploring. It actually took some visitors arriving for me to do this...somehow I inherited my father's trait of "embarrassment whilst I am inside purchasing establishments" - basically, I feel guilty (and stupid) going into stores because I feel like I am in the way, and I worry that if I just want to look around and not get anything that everyone will judge me or something. It's really dumb, I'm aware, but it's difficult to shake it. My siblings and I used to chuckle when we would go shopping with my dad, because he would always go up to the sales person in a preciously awkward manner and say, "Um, excuse me, I would like to purchase this." What followed was either an amused grin by the sales person while he/she said, "Well...yes...I can help you with that," or an amused grin by the same person while he/she said, "Well...yes....you go over to the counter to do that." It was really cute, but the more I analyze my adult characteristics, there is something eerily similar to the way I conduct myself in a store. I appear to be apologizing throughout my visit. Odd. Anyway, some friends were in town and we were walking around Park Slope, where we visited a few stores, including these two amazing vintage places, Odd Twin and Beacon's Closet. Beacon's Closet has another location in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, for those of you who would like to check it out (it's actually pretty well known, but because of my quality explained above, I've only just recently ventured inside). Anyway, I found some amazing gems at both of these fashion hide-aways, and definitely plan to check them out again, as well as sell some things of my own. I couldn't help noticing, however, that there are two reasons people go thrift/vintage shopping. I've always known it was for trendiness, and I have some friends that have always been experts at finding amazing pieces at Goodwill and Salvation Army, as well as independent places like the ones I've recently explored. New York City is especially in a vintage stage...whether it's 80s vintage or 40s, if you can make it work and it looks like you took it out of someone else's closet then you succeed. I am constantly amazed at the myriad of styles strutting around this ridiculous urban landscape...and I love it because my idea of a cute outfit changes on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. One of these many looks is throwback-whatever-decade-you-choose (there really isn't a better choice, as I said before, own it and you will do just fine). It makes most of it's appearances in downtown Manhattan and Brooklyn, but the rest of the city sees quite a lot of it as well. Needless to say, I was excited to search around for a high-waisted acid wash jean skirt and possibly a sheer high-collared blouse, among other things. Most people in the store were the same. However, in the midst of all this, two men came into the store to sell some clothes, and on their way out, one of them said to the other, "Man, can you believe some people are so poor they have to buy all their clothes here?" Thus, I was confronted by the the other reason these stores are in business (as well as being confronted by the sad ignorance of the gentleman selling the clothes, because really, who says that?)...while some people have the luxury of getting excited about a neon patterned crop top that just happens to be $8.95, other people shop at second-hand stores for necessity. And it struck me that the possibility exists for extreme annoyance and even hatred for these hipsters (and stylish non-hipsters, as I don't like to identify myself with this sub-culture; however, there is no doubt that they are, perhaps, some of the most frequent vintage shoppers in the city) who run around, flaunting these used, cut, and/or shredded (at times self-cut and shredded...I'm guilty) articles of fashion. It reminds me of people my parents' age looking at a pair of distressed and ripped up jeans in disgust while muttering, "Well if they're going to cost that much they should at least be in good condition," or something like that. It's difficult for me to put this observance into words, because I fear making a wrong assumption or saying something ignorant, but please know that these thoughts are coming from the purest and most noble of hearts (well, when I am at my best, anyway). But doesn't this strike any of you as odd, that a place of fashionable experimentation for some is an embarrassing life-sentence for others? I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I generally read too much into everything, so I wouldn't be surprised.

I am wondering if the search for happiness is obsolete. Some say it's doing what makes you happy. In some ways I agree but I also find that far too general. What if too many things make you happy? What if you know what makes you happy but you don't know how to get there? It's not just a matter of knowing. According to Nivea (TM), happiness comes in an orange blossom and bamboo something-or-other body wash. While it does smell quite nice, using it hasn't helped me discover my answers to life's questions so I think they are being a bit too egotistical, personally. Is happiness doing what you love, no matter where you are or how many people know you're doing it? I am beginning to think so...

...I think I'll elaborate on the rest of that subject in my personal journal.

In other news, I finally saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part 2) last night and was thoroughly affected by the experience. That woman (J.K. Rowling) has given me more insight to life and death and being a good person than any Sunday School class ever did. I know some people like to berate and belittle the choices made when turning these beloved books into cinematic adventures, but I simply enjoy seeing bits and pieces brought to life with actors who, in my mind, perfectly resemble the characters I so love and adore. Well done, congrats all around, and instead of grieving that the experience is "over," as some are saying, I am just happy that I can pick up any of these seven books and/or eight movies any time I want and escape to a place that is cherished by many across the globe.

Again, relying on others to help me speak.

It is just so - incredibly difficult, you know? To try to create something. And to know that there are so many people waiting to criticize or capitalize and all you want to do is make something that will connect with other people so that we all won't feel so profoundly alone. And we are all so profoundly alone. Why does it have to be so hard to try to cure that in some way. It...is..so...difficult.

- Wyler, As Bees In Honey Drown, Douglas Carter Beane

[amanda]

[title quote: "closing time," semisonic]

[i'll let you be in my dreams if i can be in yours]

Where has my Muse gone? Apparently whatever Muse I have is on summer vacation.

I did some background work for a new webseries-turned-TV-show called Girlhattan (formally known as The SkinNY) last weekend, which was pretty fun. However, I gained some interesting knowledge. Some people there were like me, doing this sort of thing every once and awhile for a bit of cash, the learning experience, and the networking possibilities. But there are a lot of people around who do this all the time, and not only that, but they seem think it makes them small time film and TV stars. Seriously, this one guy was talking about Will Smith like he knew him, just because of some background work on Men in Black III (yes, they are making that right now). And I don't know how many of you have experienced the coy actor trait of pretending to be ashamed or bashful when they brag so that you will think they don't want to tell you every credit they have, yet somehow all of a sudden you know everything they have done in NY, as well as all of their elementary school leads. To be fair, the majority of the people I met were not like this, but that type of person tends to stand out. And while background work is fun, it really is a lot of sitting around...I probably sat around for six hours and worked for two. It was a similar situation with the last project. Pantomiming and pretending to eat sushi, or pantomiming and watching the fake 2012 New Years ball drop in mid-town, all very exciting. But it's not acting. Well, it is, I guess. But I would not want to spend my days doing it. Yet sometimes I feel like...I don't know what I feel like. Success means different things to different people. I guess I'm not sure what my definition of success is right now.

Ann Brashares wrote a fifth "Sisterhood" book called Sisterhood Everlasting, and the four girls are now 29. I read it the other day, in one day, because I couldn't stop, and to be honest, I cried throughout the entire book. It's beautiful, and like I told my mom, there will be a point when the reader might want to stop reading the book, to put it down altogether and shield themselves from the difficulties. But if you do read it...keep going. Finish it. That woman knows how to write...she breaks your heart and feeds your soul.

I'm going to close with a quote from Siri Hustvedt's The Summer Without Men.

Time confounds us, doesn’t it? The physicists know how to play with it, but the rest of us must make due with a speeding present that becomes an uncertain past and, however jumbled the past may be in our heads, we are always moving inexorably toward an end. In our minds, however, while we are still alive and our brains can still make connections, we may leap from childhood to middle age and back again and loot from any time we choose, a savory tidbit here and a sour one there. It can never return as it was, only as a later incarnation. What once was the future is now the past, but the past comes back as a present memory, is here and now in the time of writing. Again, I am writing myself elsewhere. Nothing prevents that from happening, does it? (pp. 177-178)

I feel like other people can form words and thoughts for me better than I can these days.

[amanda]

[title quote: Bob Dylan]

[you mean the bible is actually a trilogy, and the book of mormon is return of the jedi? i'm interested!]

Hahahaha. Oh, The Book of Mormon. What a brilliant piece of musical theatre. I was so fortunate to see that show last Wednesday evening, and I have to say that I have not enjoyed a musical this much in far too long. I had purposefully not listened to the music beforehand, and I'm so glad because everything was a beautiful and hilarious surprise. The show was complete perfection, and I cannot recommend it more. If you're lucky enough to get tickets, that is. I happened to be with a very wise and resourceful person the night I got to see it...after not winning the lottery drawing for $32 tickets (for our third try), he put his trust in a kindly ticket scalper, and we were able to see the show from box seats! Quite a lucky chance. Otherwise I think the next tickets available are for November. But SEE IT!! See it if you can. It's superb.

I feel as though I've been lacking inspiration lately. My feelings and emotions are so up and down right now. I definitely feel like I'm on a mid-twenties roller coaster. I'll think things are going a certain way, that then I get blindsided and surprised and caught off guard all over again. I want to write about funny and entertaining things, but it's almost like I am too contemplative, that I am too much in my head to make any sense of it. If I cannot sort things out in my own head, how can I get them in writing?

I think I am also perplexed by the selfishness of some people right now. I don't know if it's New Yorkers in the Summer, but the people around me have been so rude and pushy lately. So many individuals seem to have a "ME FIRST!" attitude, whether it's simply walking to and from a place, getting in and out of the subway, standing in line at a store, or riding the bus. I find myself in a state of absolute disbelief when I watch some of the interactions that take place from day to day. And what is worse is that I let all of this affect MY mood, when really that's not fair to others or to myself. My dad, being a minister, always offers the "Serenity Prayer" to me as a way to feel better, and while my spiritual thoughts are all over the place, I can see the comfort in these words:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Whatever a person's religious or non-religious beliefs, these are good words to ponder in times of frustration. It's pretty easy to take the word "God" out, if you wish :o)

It's one thing to give the advice, and it's another to take it, so I'm working on the "taking it" aspect right now.

I feel like I am a part of a generation of people who have the optimism to change the world, but the realism to know we cannot do it alone. People who have the passion to live our dreams, but the knowledge that the road to our dreams is not an easy one. People who are intelligent and driven and excited, but who are also overwhelmed and confused and frustrated. We want great things, but we know those great things will not just come to us; we know that simply "reaching for the stars" is not enough, but our hearts are so full of love for our particular "star" that it hurts when we cannot reach it. It is a wonderful and terrible time to be alive, and we are desperate for some kind of meaning.

Thoughts?

[amanda]

title quote: "All-American Prophet," The Book of Mormon, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Robert Lopez