I have been reading some incredible books lately. I love the urge to dive back in to a book I am reading, to fully immerse myself in the characters and their triumphs or sorrows. The title of this entry is from a line in Alan Bennett's
The History Boys, when the teacher, Hector, is speaking to one of the students, Posner. He says:
The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.
This feeling that Hector describes is magical and healing; the realization that you are not alone, that you are not the first, or the last, to think of certain things, as you may have once thought you were. I have been having that feeling quite often with the recent books I have added to my list of favorites.
Water for Elephants, Sara Gruen
Man Walks Into A Room, Nicole Krauss
The Corrections, Jonathan Franzen
and currently reading...
The Summer Without Men, Siri Hustvedt (for those of you who care, she is a St. Olaf grad!)
I highly recommend ALL of these, they are forever imbedded in my heart and mind, and I long for the day when I am ready for a re-read.
In other news, I am trying to learn to be more patient with myself. Is that difficult for anyone else? I find myself, too often, comparing my accomplishments and successes to others, always falling behind and brushing against the fear of failure. It is such a mystery to me that we, as humans, can be so aware of our own flaws and weaknesses yet we have such agony and apprehension about finding ways to fix these character traits. Should we fix them? Certain ones, probably not. I was recently lamenting to my mom about my constant plague of feeling too much, something I have talked about many times in this blog. She suggested that I stop seeing this as a negative trait - for one thing, the likelihood of me changing this trait is quite slim to none, and for another, I really should view this as a positive thing. The ability to feel, not only for myself, but for others, is quite beautiful. It allows me to be empathetic to the challenges others face, to be attuned to my own extreme emotions, and to be a better performer. On the other hand, my comparison of myself to others is something to consider altering, because it does nothing to add beauty or light to my life. I need to do what is best for me and those I love, not what is best in the eyes of others. My dear friend, mentor, and guitar teacher told me once that success has different definitions for different people, and I need to find my own. Off the top of my head, I would say that success to me means: being loved and loving good people; supporting myself as best I can; doing what I love as much as possible; striving for my best potential; seeing as much of the world and my surroundings as I can; allowing and learning from mistakes; allowing myself to change; allowing myself to stay the same; absorbing information from all corners and areas of life; finding the beauty and elegance in the everyday and the extraordinary. I'm sure the list could go on. These terms of success are not unreachable, but it is up to me to reach them. I admit that my fear of the world and its harshness will sometimes cause me to hide and escape, a challenge I face on an almost daily basis. I would love to hear some thoughts on all of this - your definitions, your fears, your successes that you have already attained.
In the midst of my self-doubt and worry, I would never want to trade my life with anyone else's - not only would I not be me, flaws and all, but I would not have the same fantastic relationships with the family and friends that I have, relationships I have simply because I was born in this body, with this mind, soul, and heart. There is so much to tackle every day, every moment - but there is so much that we do not have to tackle as well. It is more common for everyone these days to concentrate on the failures, the lack of certain things in life. Little successes should be celebrated as much as big successes. Something I would like to work on, and I challenge you to do the same.
[amanda]
