All right blog, it's you and me. Some quality time. Starting out with some inspirational singing by the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, I am eager to begin. Referring to my notes is a little hilarious, as finding a way to tie everything together is a ridiculous prospect, so I will just let you enjoy the spastic nature of it all. In a way, that is an appropriate way to go, as that is my main style of communication - it all makes sense in my head, but once it's out there, only the brave and willing can connect the dots.
I will begin with a more detailed written (and quite odd) note, something I observed one night (7.16.11) on the N train as we crossed the bridge to Manhattan:
What is it about men eating alone that makes me want to cry? On the N train, and across from me is a guy, probably mid-30s, kind of odd: dirty oversized peach and white Nike shirt, highwater khakis, white socks, black dress shoes, big headphones (all of this could also be considered trendy, haha) and eating homemade rice and veggies in a tupperware, smiling and bopping his head a bit to his music. Finishes half, puts the rest in a ratty old backpack for later. Never loses his smile. Observes those around him with unabashed and candid curiosity. Does he know I'm writing about him? That I'm observing too?
That was it. I don't know why this person fascinated me so much to write about him that night, but I could probably do this about multiple people every day. This world is full of people just begging to be watched, and most of us are either too polite or too absorbed in our own selves to do it.
I'm going to go through my other notes now...although there is one that just says, "notebook" and I'm really not sure where I was going with that one...so I may skip it, haha. Onward, readers!
So...another question. Do you think people ever really listen? Or is everyone just planning the next thing they are going to say? Acting classes go over this topic over and over again - just because you have a script and you know what your next line is, the stakes must be high, just like real life, you must listen to the line(s) before yours so you can determine how you say the next thing - would you even say it at all? Obviously you should, as that is the way a lot of theatre works; however, it's a difficult task, one that must be practiced and perfected in order to give a true to life performance. But is it true to life? Sometimes I feel like we could all listen a lot more in real life as well. I am guilty of this too - sometimes I'm so excited about my responses or additions to conversations that all I am thinking about is making the biggest statement possible with my thoughts and opinions - of affecting the other person or other people around me so that we can further stimulate our insights and ideas. Yet when I am saying my bits of wisdom (or nonsense), I can see in the other person's eyes and face - they are planning their next bit! Granted, we cannot plan without hearing what the others are saying, but too often we are only half-hearing - we need to LISTEN, we need to HEAR EACH OTHER, or what is the point? We cannot grow otherwise. And all the better if someone is challenging our thoughts - either we gain new perspective or we strengthen our own. I am going to work on this, and it is a challenge I give to all of you.
Next up - this will be short - when one is sending a text and it takes a really long time to send, long enough that one thinks of canceling it, either to write something far more witty or to cease sending at all, is this a warning? Are we too careless with texts? They can be so misinterpreted, you cannot always give the inflections and tones you desire - people get in fights because of misperceived text messages. I remember when I had my friends' home numbers memorized, and oftentimes when I called them, a parent would answer and I would have to say, "Hi Mr./Mrs. So-and-so, this is Amanda Carson, is so-and-so there?" Haha, that wasn't even that long ago. And now, we have all these numbers stored in our little phones, no need for memorizing or personal greetings, we can just type in a series of words, most of them abbreviated, and that is more common these days. A self-proclaimed bad phone person, I will admit that I probably text more than call people these days. But I want to get phone talking back. We all claim to be so busy, and we are, people are busier than ever these days. However, the world is also moving a lot faster, and we can take the time to sit down and call one another on the phone and talk with human voices instead of with fingers. Another goal on my list, put it on yours.
So, I am sort of half-introvert/half-extrovert. When I first meet people, I tend to be rather shy, I don't like to say much, I like to figure out my surroundings and the people involved, etc. Yet, as my family and good friends can tell you, I am quite a talkative and silly person. I can be exceedingly vulgar and inappropriate, my humor rivals that of the most perverted teenage boys out there, and I have a biting sarcasm that is sometimes so easily mistaken for seriousness that I have to do damage control. I think there are thousands of facets to everyone's personalities, that is what makes humans so interesting. No one can ever be completely "figured out" - I highly doubt anyone will ever figure themselves out, to be honest. Different parts of us come out at different times, most of the time it has to do with how much we trust those around us. How much we can trust them to accept our less attractive qualities, to understand our moods and appreciate the good with the bad. Some people find this trust in others quickly, others never do. Yet I do find myself annoyed with the people who take credit for making someone who they are. Let me explain further - when a shy person starts to make jokes, or begins to speak a little louder, to offer more opinions in conversation, to essentially become more vulnerable with those around her, there are some people who make comments like, "Oh my gosh, see, I knew I could make you funny," or, "I love that you are changing, that you are becoming funnier/sassier/etc." NO. This person did not CHANGE her, they did not make her this way, they cannot take credit for FINDING HER PERSONALITY FOR HER, it was always there, SHE just chose which parts to bring out, and when to do so. It works the other way too - someone who is more outgoing from the beginning, who seems unafraid and constantly happy, who looks cool even when making a fool of himself - whenever this person has a bad day or feels like taking things inward instead of outward; whenever he wants to be quiet and left alone, to take a break from being the entertainer, there are those who are quick to say, "What's wrong, why are you in bad mood, what did I do to make you this way?" Again, this is just another side, loud people like to be quiet, quiet people like to be loud. We are not one dimensional creatures. No one "finds" your personality for you, you cultivate it on your own. Yes, it is influenced by those around you and your experiences to a certain degree, but no one can take credit of bringing you out or reigning you in. I'll get off my soapbox now :o)
I thought I had more notes, but that seems to be it. I feel Autumn pushing its way through the heat of Summer, and this excites me. I am working on improving myself physically, spiritually, and mentally, and the cooling of the weather is the perfect way to begin. The blog is back in business, friends, and I would love your comments and insights to my crazy ramblings. Until next time, lovers.
[amanda]
title quote: "Will You Be There," Michael Jackson, Dangerous
