[a thousand miles onto the sea bed/found a place to rest my head]

Being home for the holidays is really fantastic. I feel so fortunate to have these people in my life who love me no matter what, who support me and bring me into a warm and safe environment full of tradition and familiarity. While my brother is in Thailand until mid-January, the magic of Skype (and creativity - see here and here) allowed us to talk to him many times over the holidays and almost feel like he was with us. I find it so crazy to think that a mere ten years ago (or even less? Not even sure anymore what has been invented and when, it all happens so quickly) we couldn't have had this immediate and cyberface-to-cyberface correspondence. Very grateful for this, obviously.

So my dad is really awesome an scored some first-class tickets for my flight home, and while I felt a little not-fancy-enough for the ride, it was pretty sweet. Free(ish) wine and lots of legroom. And my seat-mate was a sweet, talkative girl, so we were obviously besties five minutes into the flight. I realized something while talking to her - people rarely introduce themselves with their names on airplanes (or trains, etc.). The people will talk about thousands of details about life (if they talk at all - oftentimes they do not), but when you get off the plane, you realize you never exchanged the basic information of names. Weird. It was interesting to talk to her about living in NYC, because our lives are very different - and to me hers sounds kind of ideal. She works in PR and lives in the West Village, it sounds like a movie. However, she wanted to know all about living in Brooklyn, and she thought my job sounded glamorous (it's not) and that pursuing a career in the arts was so trendy and fun (it's exhausting and terrifying), so basically, no matter what, the grass always seems greener on the other side. I think everyone has these ideas of what other people's lives are like, when we really have no idea. Our opinions are based on movies and high-expectations, and oftentimes we put these same standards on our own lives, never living up to what we think we should be. Does anyone ever have everything he or she wants? Probably not. I hope there are people in the world who don't suffer from this crazy syndrome of never being good enough for themselves, and I'm sure there are. It just seems to me that we live in a world that encourages the harbor of such dark disappointments, I am not quite sure how to crawl out of that world - especially when I recognize so many people deep in that world with me. I do not have an answer for this, maybe some of you do.

Why is it that I feel guilty about changing? It is completely natural (and encouraged!) to grow and change along with our life experiences. We learn, we realize, we ponder, we reflect. The things we see, hear, smell, touch, taste, do - all of these experiences and sensations pile into this thing called life; sometimes, what we thought when we were nine years old is different when we are twenty-seven. I understand and respect this when it happens to people I know (and even people I do not know), but for some reason I cannot accept it when it happens to me. I resist change in general (it may not seem like it, with all the moving around I have done, but just trust me on this), and resisting change in my own personal feelings and goals is always a heavy load on my shoulders. It's like I am afraid of letting "Little Amanda" down - like I don't give myself credit for knowing a lot more than my nine-year-old self. And my future self will know a hell of a lot more (I hope) than I do right now. I also worry far too much about what others will think of my changes and choices. As if I don't have enough judgement on myself, I enforce all of this judgement coming from others - when in reality those people are not even thinking about my choices at all. Like, at all. Most people just hope everyone else is happy and figures out their shit, and maybe if other people figure out their shit they can teach the rest of us how to do that. My priorities are obviously different now than they were at sixteen, at twenty-two, even at twenty-five. So why do I give myself such a hard time about this? I should just be excited about new ideas and new adventures and role with it. I would not be a good hippi. I don't know how to just "go with the flow." I am horrible at that. In some ways, yes, I am very free-spirited, but in other ways I really do need to get the stick out of my ass. Haha. At least I can laugh about it (a little).

On a completely different note, I love and adore the moments in life when I am listening to music and a song comes on that never fails to bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. I have a large handful of songs like that, but a special five I want to share with you (click links to listen!).

"Start a War" - The National, Boxer

"Wasp Nest" - The National, Cherry Tree

"Warning Sign" - Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head

"The Way It Is" - Bruce Hornsby, Greatest Radio Hits

"I Must Go" - Late Tuesday, Late Tuesday (unfortunately, this was the only free youtube link I could find with the whole song, otherwise it's like a bad quality video of them live, so ignore - or enjoy, I guess, if you want - the Adam Cartwright/Pernell Roberts tribute, which I find a little awkward, so maybe buy the song on iTunes or check it out on Spotify if you like!)

Anyway, I love that feeling, a connection amongst the ear, heart, body, mind, spirit, soul, everything. Just perfection, really.

I'm going to sign off for now, although I have lots more to write about, so stay tuned! And Happy New Year to all! Let's get it on, 2012.

[amanda]

title quote - Florence + the Machine, "Never Let Me Go," from the phenomenal album, Ceremonials.

[all i want for christmas is...]

I'm about to leave for the airport. I plan to blog whilst at home...get ready!!! I hope everyone has merry and magical holidays with those you love.

"Oh there's noooooo place like hooooome for the holidays..."

xxoo

[amanda]

[take this pink ribbon off my eyes/i'm exposed and it's no big surprise]

What is it about a "Winter Pine" candle that just makes everything better? I don't know, but this candle has turned my room into the best place to be. If only our landlord would turn the heat up just a tiny bit, and if only I had just made cookies or something, I would be truly content right now. But this candle puts contentment at about 96.2%. So I'd say that's pretty good.

I'm cozied up on my bed right now, listening to what I have appropriately named my "f*&ckin' sweet playlist" (and it is pretty f-ing sweet), and taking a break from memorizing sides for an audition I have coming up (details not listed here, in case things don't work out, but if you want to send positive vibes I would certainly welcome them!). I've been thinking a lot about my ability to be excited for myself - my ability to wish myself good luck, to believe in myself, to throw caution to the wind and say "Screw what everyone else wants, this is what I want and I'm going for it." I am not the strongest in this category. I have heard that it's best to go into any situation envisioning yourself succeeding at whatever you may be doing at that moment. Envision yourself singing the best you can sing, giving the best performance you can give, knowing all the right information, wow-ing the crowd, getting all the laughs and cries and sighs at all the appropriate times. Granted I am equating most of this to performance and theatre, but you can put it into whatever medium you wish. And I do try to do that - I really do - it's just that "little Amanda" still creeps in sometimes and says, "Why are you thinking that way, you're so conceited, all this is going to do is make your failure more of a let down than it would be if you just kept a low opinion of yourself as usual." Why do I, and other people, think this way? All it does is sabotage success and well-being. What is it that makes people afraid of being excited for themselves, for being confident in their abilities? I have been told so many times by so many people whom I respect and admire that confidence and conceit are two very different things. Confidence is attractive and acceptable - it should be encouraged. Yet even when it is encouraged, it doesn't always come naturally. I have two of the most encouraging and loving parents I know, I should be one of the most confident women in the world, given the support I have received since the beginning of my life. Is it society? I don't think we can always blame society. Sometimes I think the growth of technology makes it harder - being able to see the beauty and success of everyone else at every instant can make all of us wonder why we don't measure up. But there are so many good things about social networking as well, so I don't like to blame it entirely.

I don't even know anymore. This is a challenging topic. Not really sure where I'm going with it, perhaps some other input would be valuable. Thoughts from you, dear readers? How do you get through times of insecurity and self-doubt? What are your methods for boosting self-confidence? Are you afraid to be confident? Or does it come easily to you? Is it possible to just fool people while you work on your inner strength? Can you eventually fool yourself?

New York is a place where normal rules do not always apply. Things happen ten times faster and are ten times more difficult. But maybe I feel that way because I am sucked up in the middle of it. Perhaps, again, the words of someone else will help.

One of those out-of-the-ordinary days that made sense of the slew of ordinary days. New York had a way of doing that. Every now and then the city shook its soul out. It assailed you with an image, or a day, or a crime, or a terror, or a beauty so difficult to wrap your mind around that you had to shake your head in disbelief...because it was a city uninterested in history. Strange things occurred precisely because there was no necessary regard for the past. The city lived in a sort of everyday present...New York kept going forward precisely because it didn't give a good goddamn about what it had left behind...the city was bigger than its buildings, bigger than its inhabitants too. It had its own nuances. It accepted whatever came its way, the crime and the violence and the little shocks of good that crawled out from underneath the everyday.

Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann (pgs. 247-248)

It's a different sort of beast, this city. I never knew I could love and hate and want and need a place all at once and on so many levels. I'm definitely excited to go home for the holidays. I need a break from the city right now, but I know I'll be itching to come back. New York is a clever little bitch, you want to cry and scratch her eyes out as much as you want her to be your best friend. It accentuates the qualities within yourself that you love, and those which you wish rid yourself of. New York City brings out parts of your personality you didn't realize existed. She gives you the opportunity to do things you never thought you could do. There are times when I walk around the city and hold back tears because of the beauty that surrounds me. And there are times when I'm holding my breath and closing my eyes and turning up the music on my ipod because I want to block everything from my senses. (I also find it interesting that I think of NYC as a female...)

I'm not flowing with this entry but I'm going to stop apologizing for it. My brain is not flowing right now, and this blog is a reflection of my thoughts, so perhaps it's appropriate. And now I have a bit of a headache. Next on the list - tea, tylenol, and some reading. Enjoy your night loves.

[amanda]

title quote - "Just a Girl," Tragic Kingdom, No Doubt