[a thousand miles onto the sea bed/found a place to rest my head]

Being home for the holidays is really fantastic. I feel so fortunate to have these people in my life who love me no matter what, who support me and bring me into a warm and safe environment full of tradition and familiarity. While my brother is in Thailand until mid-January, the magic of Skype (and creativity - see here and here) allowed us to talk to him many times over the holidays and almost feel like he was with us. I find it so crazy to think that a mere ten years ago (or even less? Not even sure anymore what has been invented and when, it all happens so quickly) we couldn't have had this immediate and cyberface-to-cyberface correspondence. Very grateful for this, obviously.

So my dad is really awesome an scored some first-class tickets for my flight home, and while I felt a little not-fancy-enough for the ride, it was pretty sweet. Free(ish) wine and lots of legroom. And my seat-mate was a sweet, talkative girl, so we were obviously besties five minutes into the flight. I realized something while talking to her - people rarely introduce themselves with their names on airplanes (or trains, etc.). The people will talk about thousands of details about life (if they talk at all - oftentimes they do not), but when you get off the plane, you realize you never exchanged the basic information of names. Weird. It was interesting to talk to her about living in NYC, because our lives are very different - and to me hers sounds kind of ideal. She works in PR and lives in the West Village, it sounds like a movie. However, she wanted to know all about living in Brooklyn, and she thought my job sounded glamorous (it's not) and that pursuing a career in the arts was so trendy and fun (it's exhausting and terrifying), so basically, no matter what, the grass always seems greener on the other side. I think everyone has these ideas of what other people's lives are like, when we really have no idea. Our opinions are based on movies and high-expectations, and oftentimes we put these same standards on our own lives, never living up to what we think we should be. Does anyone ever have everything he or she wants? Probably not. I hope there are people in the world who don't suffer from this crazy syndrome of never being good enough for themselves, and I'm sure there are. It just seems to me that we live in a world that encourages the harbor of such dark disappointments, I am not quite sure how to crawl out of that world - especially when I recognize so many people deep in that world with me. I do not have an answer for this, maybe some of you do.

Why is it that I feel guilty about changing? It is completely natural (and encouraged!) to grow and change along with our life experiences. We learn, we realize, we ponder, we reflect. The things we see, hear, smell, touch, taste, do - all of these experiences and sensations pile into this thing called life; sometimes, what we thought when we were nine years old is different when we are twenty-seven. I understand and respect this when it happens to people I know (and even people I do not know), but for some reason I cannot accept it when it happens to me. I resist change in general (it may not seem like it, with all the moving around I have done, but just trust me on this), and resisting change in my own personal feelings and goals is always a heavy load on my shoulders. It's like I am afraid of letting "Little Amanda" down - like I don't give myself credit for knowing a lot more than my nine-year-old self. And my future self will know a hell of a lot more (I hope) than I do right now. I also worry far too much about what others will think of my changes and choices. As if I don't have enough judgement on myself, I enforce all of this judgement coming from others - when in reality those people are not even thinking about my choices at all. Like, at all. Most people just hope everyone else is happy and figures out their shit, and maybe if other people figure out their shit they can teach the rest of us how to do that. My priorities are obviously different now than they were at sixteen, at twenty-two, even at twenty-five. So why do I give myself such a hard time about this? I should just be excited about new ideas and new adventures and role with it. I would not be a good hippi. I don't know how to just "go with the flow." I am horrible at that. In some ways, yes, I am very free-spirited, but in other ways I really do need to get the stick out of my ass. Haha. At least I can laugh about it (a little).

On a completely different note, I love and adore the moments in life when I am listening to music and a song comes on that never fails to bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. I have a large handful of songs like that, but a special five I want to share with you (click links to listen!).

"Start a War" - The National, Boxer

"Wasp Nest" - The National, Cherry Tree

"Warning Sign" - Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head

"The Way It Is" - Bruce Hornsby, Greatest Radio Hits

"I Must Go" - Late Tuesday, Late Tuesday (unfortunately, this was the only free youtube link I could find with the whole song, otherwise it's like a bad quality video of them live, so ignore - or enjoy, I guess, if you want - the Adam Cartwright/Pernell Roberts tribute, which I find a little awkward, so maybe buy the song on iTunes or check it out on Spotify if you like!)

Anyway, I love that feeling, a connection amongst the ear, heart, body, mind, spirit, soul, everything. Just perfection, really.

I'm going to sign off for now, although I have lots more to write about, so stay tuned! And Happy New Year to all! Let's get it on, 2012.

[amanda]

title quote - Florence + the Machine, "Never Let Me Go," from the phenomenal album, Ceremonials.