[you're the tall kingdom i surround]

my fear was that i would finally start a blog and then i wouldn't remember any of the things i wanted to write about. my other thought is that perhaps i am not good enough at talking about myself to have a blog...lots of blogs seem like places where people just talk about themselves...and i guess talking about the things i think and feel constitutes as this sort of self-glorification, so perhaps we are all capable of putting ourselves at the center of our own worlds. a dear friend once told me that you should always make yourself the main character of your own story, and i do believe she's right...and why not? i mean, if everyone is doing that in his or her own life, you better make yourself the main character in yours, because nobody else will. except for maybe your parents or your lover...but really, making YOU a priority is part of them looking out for themselves, as you are a personal interest, so it's really the same thing.

anyway, i feel lame, because i have thought, "oh my gosh, this crazy thing happened on the train that made me think about this life subject, i should have a blog so i can write about it," and now that i have created a blog, i can never bring myself to write. i have started and discarded a handful of posts already, thinking they sound stupid after writing them. and maybe they were...maybe this one is too. but i think this mostly comes from my embarrassment of sharing my artistic loves with people - writing songs and stories, singing, acting...i love all of these things, and while i have shared these loves for almost my entire life, i never cease to be terrified to do so. i have rarely played the songs i write for anyone but myself, for fear that people will think they are bad. but i really shouldn't be so afraid to share my writing, songs or otherwise, with the world. art is subjective, people like and dislike different things, and you don't have any control of the opinions of others. that could be looked at as a negative aspect of life; however, i am going to try to start looking at it as a positive aspect instead. if i can't control it, then i can put it out of my mind. now i make that sound much more simple than it will be, and anyone who knows me can agree that this is a battle that i have long been fighting. i am sure, though, that i am not the only one.

the other thing is, i doubt anyone is reading this at this point, so i can take this blog as a rehearsal for the time being :o)

currently reading: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. so far, as interesting as it has promised to be.

next topic: falling in love multiple times on the train every day. it does happen. perhaps falling in lust is a better description.

[amanda]

"you're the tall kingdom i surround." - the national