I have not lived in New York City for almost seven months now. Crazy, right? Well, maybe not to you, as seven months have brought many life events of your own, but for me, it seems crazy. And while I do feel like my life is constantly in a transition phase, there is a bit of me that feels...a little...wow I am even afraid to type the word...settled/settling? I don't know if that even makes sense. I don't know if I can ever actually feel that way, my heart is in too many places. But I do feel like I made a good decision; however, with the amount of worrying I do about making decisions, I have not allowed myself to feel comfortable just yet. Perhaps that is a good thing. Perhaps one should never feel comfortable, then we wouldn't keep striving for more. Yet I do think that there should be a combination of comfort and aspiration. I think in some ways I am often wavering between those, and until now I thought of that as a negative thing. But I have, once again, proven myself incorrect.
I have felt homesick so many times. The homesickness I feel for New York City is emotionally overwhelming when it washes over me. My reasons for leaving stand strong, and the positive outcomes from the move thus far have been lovely. Theatre, time with family, good friends old and new, less stress about my job, less stress about finances, happier about my living location, and many opportunities on the horizon. Even though my family has relocated (seriously - I mean it when I talk about our nomadic way of life), the time I had with them while we were living in the same city was perfect. And I am looking forward to visiting them in their new location, which gives me the ability to keep my connection to the East Coast. That connection to the East Coast is definitely important to me. No place is perfect, and while some people may think of NYC as the Mecca for many, it is not lacking in its imperfections. I think I talked about that a lot. But my love for that city, though altered, never faded. I miss so many places, so many people, so many regular day things that are only regular in New York. I feel so happy, so fortunate, to have called that place my home for four years. The difficulty lies in merging all of my lives, all of my places, all of the changes I have gone through, into the life I am living now. I think many people go through this, to some degree, I just wish I didn't think about it so much, didn't worry about it so much.
I have been thinking a lot lately about early childhood behaviors and how they speak to our behaviors as adults. I have always been afraid of new things. Going somewhere for the first time, doing something dangerous - I avoid these types of things. When I was learning how to drive, I avoided getting behind the wheel for as long as I possibly could, and when I did, I would freak out, even though I only practiced in this little residential area for a long time before going out into the real streets. And even after finishing the class, I waited more than six months to take the test. And I am still a little afraid when I drive. Slightly because of the four years of no driving due to complete dependence on public transportation, but I am also too aware of the potential dangers of the road. Driving can stand in for other things I fear - putting myself out there for love and success. Moving and changing can help to overcome certain fears; however, some of those fears are ingrained within us and we really have to work to get away from them. I will never stop being cautious. Ever. That's who I am. I just hope that I can continue to blaze through some of my cautiousness to attain some of the beauty missing from my life.
I am really out of practice with this blog writing thing.
But I have missed it.
So here I go, pushing fear aside, and I'll be back soon.
[amanda]
- The National - "Patterns of Fairytales" -
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