[time for you to go out to the places you will be from]

It is excruciatingly hot here right now. Like...I don't even know what to do with myself besides lie around in as little clothing as possible. We do have a little window air conditioning unit, and she's doing her best, she really is, but it's hard to keep up with 110 degrees. Ugh. I would much rather be cold, at least you can layer and snuggle.

When it was merely warm outside last week, instead of this oven we are living in at the moment, I did some neighborhood exploring. It actually took some visitors arriving for me to do this...somehow I inherited my father's trait of "embarrassment whilst I am inside purchasing establishments" - basically, I feel guilty (and stupid) going into stores because I feel like I am in the way, and I worry that if I just want to look around and not get anything that everyone will judge me or something. It's really dumb, I'm aware, but it's difficult to shake it. My siblings and I used to chuckle when we would go shopping with my dad, because he would always go up to the sales person in a preciously awkward manner and say, "Um, excuse me, I would like to purchase this." What followed was either an amused grin by the sales person while he/she said, "Well...yes...I can help you with that," or an amused grin by the same person while he/she said, "Well...yes....you go over to the counter to do that." It was really cute, but the more I analyze my adult characteristics, there is something eerily similar to the way I conduct myself in a store. I appear to be apologizing throughout my visit. Odd. Anyway, some friends were in town and we were walking around Park Slope, where we visited a few stores, including these two amazing vintage places, Odd Twin and Beacon's Closet. Beacon's Closet has another location in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, for those of you who would like to check it out (it's actually pretty well known, but because of my quality explained above, I've only just recently ventured inside). Anyway, I found some amazing gems at both of these fashion hide-aways, and definitely plan to check them out again, as well as sell some things of my own. I couldn't help noticing, however, that there are two reasons people go thrift/vintage shopping. I've always known it was for trendiness, and I have some friends that have always been experts at finding amazing pieces at Goodwill and Salvation Army, as well as independent places like the ones I've recently explored. New York City is especially in a vintage stage...whether it's 80s vintage or 40s, if you can make it work and it looks like you took it out of someone else's closet then you succeed. I am constantly amazed at the myriad of styles strutting around this ridiculous urban landscape...and I love it because my idea of a cute outfit changes on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. One of these many looks is throwback-whatever-decade-you-choose (there really isn't a better choice, as I said before, own it and you will do just fine). It makes most of it's appearances in downtown Manhattan and Brooklyn, but the rest of the city sees quite a lot of it as well. Needless to say, I was excited to search around for a high-waisted acid wash jean skirt and possibly a sheer high-collared blouse, among other things. Most people in the store were the same. However, in the midst of all this, two men came into the store to sell some clothes, and on their way out, one of them said to the other, "Man, can you believe some people are so poor they have to buy all their clothes here?" Thus, I was confronted by the the other reason these stores are in business (as well as being confronted by the sad ignorance of the gentleman selling the clothes, because really, who says that?)...while some people have the luxury of getting excited about a neon patterned crop top that just happens to be $8.95, other people shop at second-hand stores for necessity. And it struck me that the possibility exists for extreme annoyance and even hatred for these hipsters (and stylish non-hipsters, as I don't like to identify myself with this sub-culture; however, there is no doubt that they are, perhaps, some of the most frequent vintage shoppers in the city) who run around, flaunting these used, cut, and/or shredded (at times self-cut and shredded...I'm guilty) articles of fashion. It reminds me of people my parents' age looking at a pair of distressed and ripped up jeans in disgust while muttering, "Well if they're going to cost that much they should at least be in good condition," or something like that. It's difficult for me to put this observance into words, because I fear making a wrong assumption or saying something ignorant, but please know that these thoughts are coming from the purest and most noble of hearts (well, when I am at my best, anyway). But doesn't this strike any of you as odd, that a place of fashionable experimentation for some is an embarrassing life-sentence for others? I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I generally read too much into everything, so I wouldn't be surprised.

I am wondering if the search for happiness is obsolete. Some say it's doing what makes you happy. In some ways I agree but I also find that far too general. What if too many things make you happy? What if you know what makes you happy but you don't know how to get there? It's not just a matter of knowing. According to Nivea (TM), happiness comes in an orange blossom and bamboo something-or-other body wash. While it does smell quite nice, using it hasn't helped me discover my answers to life's questions so I think they are being a bit too egotistical, personally. Is happiness doing what you love, no matter where you are or how many people know you're doing it? I am beginning to think so...

...I think I'll elaborate on the rest of that subject in my personal journal.

In other news, I finally saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part 2) last night and was thoroughly affected by the experience. That woman (J.K. Rowling) has given me more insight to life and death and being a good person than any Sunday School class ever did. I know some people like to berate and belittle the choices made when turning these beloved books into cinematic adventures, but I simply enjoy seeing bits and pieces brought to life with actors who, in my mind, perfectly resemble the characters I so love and adore. Well done, congrats all around, and instead of grieving that the experience is "over," as some are saying, I am just happy that I can pick up any of these seven books and/or eight movies any time I want and escape to a place that is cherished by many across the globe.

Again, relying on others to help me speak.

It is just so - incredibly difficult, you know? To try to create something. And to know that there are so many people waiting to criticize or capitalize and all you want to do is make something that will connect with other people so that we all won't feel so profoundly alone. And we are all so profoundly alone. Why does it have to be so hard to try to cure that in some way. It...is..so...difficult.

- Wyler, As Bees In Honey Drown, Douglas Carter Beane

[amanda]

[title quote: "closing time," semisonic]

[i'll let you be in my dreams if i can be in yours]

Where has my Muse gone? Apparently whatever Muse I have is on summer vacation.

I did some background work for a new webseries-turned-TV-show called Girlhattan (formally known as The SkinNY) last weekend, which was pretty fun. However, I gained some interesting knowledge. Some people there were like me, doing this sort of thing every once and awhile for a bit of cash, the learning experience, and the networking possibilities. But there are a lot of people around who do this all the time, and not only that, but they seem think it makes them small time film and TV stars. Seriously, this one guy was talking about Will Smith like he knew him, just because of some background work on Men in Black III (yes, they are making that right now). And I don't know how many of you have experienced the coy actor trait of pretending to be ashamed or bashful when they brag so that you will think they don't want to tell you every credit they have, yet somehow all of a sudden you know everything they have done in NY, as well as all of their elementary school leads. To be fair, the majority of the people I met were not like this, but that type of person tends to stand out. And while background work is fun, it really is a lot of sitting around...I probably sat around for six hours and worked for two. It was a similar situation with the last project. Pantomiming and pretending to eat sushi, or pantomiming and watching the fake 2012 New Years ball drop in mid-town, all very exciting. But it's not acting. Well, it is, I guess. But I would not want to spend my days doing it. Yet sometimes I feel like...I don't know what I feel like. Success means different things to different people. I guess I'm not sure what my definition of success is right now.

Ann Brashares wrote a fifth "Sisterhood" book called Sisterhood Everlasting, and the four girls are now 29. I read it the other day, in one day, because I couldn't stop, and to be honest, I cried throughout the entire book. It's beautiful, and like I told my mom, there will be a point when the reader might want to stop reading the book, to put it down altogether and shield themselves from the difficulties. But if you do read it...keep going. Finish it. That woman knows how to write...she breaks your heart and feeds your soul.

I'm going to close with a quote from Siri Hustvedt's The Summer Without Men.

Time confounds us, doesn’t it? The physicists know how to play with it, but the rest of us must make due with a speeding present that becomes an uncertain past and, however jumbled the past may be in our heads, we are always moving inexorably toward an end. In our minds, however, while we are still alive and our brains can still make connections, we may leap from childhood to middle age and back again and loot from any time we choose, a savory tidbit here and a sour one there. It can never return as it was, only as a later incarnation. What once was the future is now the past, but the past comes back as a present memory, is here and now in the time of writing. Again, I am writing myself elsewhere. Nothing prevents that from happening, does it? (pp. 177-178)

I feel like other people can form words and thoughts for me better than I can these days.

[amanda]

[title quote: Bob Dylan]

[you mean the bible is actually a trilogy, and the book of mormon is return of the jedi? i'm interested!]

Hahahaha. Oh, The Book of Mormon. What a brilliant piece of musical theatre. I was so fortunate to see that show last Wednesday evening, and I have to say that I have not enjoyed a musical this much in far too long. I had purposefully not listened to the music beforehand, and I'm so glad because everything was a beautiful and hilarious surprise. The show was complete perfection, and I cannot recommend it more. If you're lucky enough to get tickets, that is. I happened to be with a very wise and resourceful person the night I got to see it...after not winning the lottery drawing for $32 tickets (for our third try), he put his trust in a kindly ticket scalper, and we were able to see the show from box seats! Quite a lucky chance. Otherwise I think the next tickets available are for November. But SEE IT!! See it if you can. It's superb.

I feel as though I've been lacking inspiration lately. My feelings and emotions are so up and down right now. I definitely feel like I'm on a mid-twenties roller coaster. I'll think things are going a certain way, that then I get blindsided and surprised and caught off guard all over again. I want to write about funny and entertaining things, but it's almost like I am too contemplative, that I am too much in my head to make any sense of it. If I cannot sort things out in my own head, how can I get them in writing?

I think I am also perplexed by the selfishness of some people right now. I don't know if it's New Yorkers in the Summer, but the people around me have been so rude and pushy lately. So many individuals seem to have a "ME FIRST!" attitude, whether it's simply walking to and from a place, getting in and out of the subway, standing in line at a store, or riding the bus. I find myself in a state of absolute disbelief when I watch some of the interactions that take place from day to day. And what is worse is that I let all of this affect MY mood, when really that's not fair to others or to myself. My dad, being a minister, always offers the "Serenity Prayer" to me as a way to feel better, and while my spiritual thoughts are all over the place, I can see the comfort in these words:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Whatever a person's religious or non-religious beliefs, these are good words to ponder in times of frustration. It's pretty easy to take the word "God" out, if you wish :o)

It's one thing to give the advice, and it's another to take it, so I'm working on the "taking it" aspect right now.

I feel like I am a part of a generation of people who have the optimism to change the world, but the realism to know we cannot do it alone. People who have the passion to live our dreams, but the knowledge that the road to our dreams is not an easy one. People who are intelligent and driven and excited, but who are also overwhelmed and confused and frustrated. We want great things, but we know those great things will not just come to us; we know that simply "reaching for the stars" is not enough, but our hearts are so full of love for our particular "star" that it hurts when we cannot reach it. It is a wonderful and terrible time to be alive, and we are desperate for some kind of meaning.

Thoughts?

[amanda]

title quote: "All-American Prophet," The Book of Mormon, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Robert Lopez

[it's the wanting to know that makes us matter]

My spirit has been awakened.

My artistic hunger has been fed and satisfied.

My heart is full and my soul is nourished.

I saw Tom Stoppard's Arcadia at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre on Broadway tonight...just in time, as it closes tomorrow. Stoppard is one of my favorite playwrights, and Arcadia is truly a masterpiece. I haven't taken myself out to the theatre in far too long, and tonight was perfection. Everything about this show was saturated with beauty, intelligence, and masterful artistry. The set was simple, yet exquisite. The lighting was soft, and the sound design fitting. The actors were superb, every single one of them. And being in the rear balcony allowed me to look down at the expert choreography of the blocking in a way I definitely appreciated - as a complete piece, the direction was fantastic. The lines were delivered with precision and delicacy, the dialogue quick and witty...Arcadia is a play of brilliance, and it flowed with perfectly alternating rhythm and an obvious understanding of the content. I cannot say enough about this production.

Theatre is magical to me. When the curtain went up, my heart leapt up into my throat and tears filled my eyes...and I ended with the same feeling and intense emotion. This is one of my favorite states of mind. I feel complete as a human being. If you haven't read this play, please do so. You will laugh, you will ponder the state of humanity, you will consider the passage and meaning of time.

A fantastic night, indeed.

[amanda]

title quote: Hannah Jarvis, Arcadia, Tom Stoppard

[and it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours]

I have been reading some incredible books lately. I love the urge to dive back in to a book I am reading, to fully immerse myself in the characters and their triumphs or sorrows. The title of this entry is from a line in Alan Bennett's The History Boys, when the teacher, Hector, is speaking to one of the students, Posner. He says:

The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.

This feeling that Hector describes is magical and healing; the realization that you are not alone, that you are not the first, or the last, to think of certain things, as you may have once thought you were. I have been having that feeling quite often with the recent books I have added to my list of favorites.

Water for Elephants, Sara Gruen

Man Walks Into A Room, Nicole Krauss

The Corrections, Jonathan Franzen

and currently reading...

The Summer Without Men, Siri Hustvedt (for those of you who care, she is a St. Olaf grad!)

I highly recommend ALL of these, they are forever imbedded in my heart and mind, and I long for the day when I am ready for a re-read.

In other news, I am trying to learn to be more patient with myself. Is that difficult for anyone else? I find myself, too often, comparing my accomplishments and successes to others, always falling behind and brushing against the fear of failure. It is such a mystery to me that we, as humans, can be so aware of our own flaws and weaknesses yet we have such agony and apprehension about finding ways to fix these character traits. Should we fix them? Certain ones, probably not. I was recently lamenting to my mom about my constant plague of feeling too much, something I have talked about many times in this blog. She suggested that I stop seeing this as a negative trait - for one thing, the likelihood of me changing this trait is quite slim to none, and for another, I really should view this as a positive thing. The ability to feel, not only for myself, but for others, is quite beautiful. It allows me to be empathetic to the challenges others face, to be attuned to my own extreme emotions, and to be a better performer. On the other hand, my comparison of myself to others is something to consider altering, because it does nothing to add beauty or light to my life. I need to do what is best for me and those I love, not what is best in the eyes of others. My dear friend, mentor, and guitar teacher told me once that success has different definitions for different people, and I need to find my own. Off the top of my head, I would say that success to me means: being loved and loving good people; supporting myself as best I can; doing what I love as much as possible; striving for my best potential; seeing as much of the world and my surroundings as I can; allowing and learning from mistakes; allowing myself to change; allowing myself to stay the same; absorbing information from all corners and areas of life; finding the beauty and elegance in the everyday and the extraordinary. I'm sure the list could go on. These terms of success are not unreachable, but it is up to me to reach them. I admit that my fear of the world and its harshness will sometimes cause me to hide and escape, a challenge I face on an almost daily basis. I would love to hear some thoughts on all of this - your definitions, your fears, your successes that you have already attained.

In the midst of my self-doubt and worry, I would never want to trade my life with anyone else's - not only would I not be me, flaws and all, but I would not have the same fantastic relationships with the family and friends that I have, relationships I have simply because I was born in this body, with this mind, soul, and heart. There is so much to tackle every day, every moment - but there is so much that we do not have to tackle as well. It is more common for everyone these days to concentrate on the failures, the lack of certain things in life. Little successes should be celebrated as much as big successes. Something I would like to work on, and I challenge you to do the same.

[amanda]

the eyes of pink

(not to be confused with "The Ides of March"...oh I do crack myself up with lame jokes...)

Being sick in New York City is NOT fun. Not one bit. Granted, being sick anywhere is not that fun. And, as always, I am fully aware of the sufferings of others, and I am knowledgeable of my absence of suffering in comparison. I am often hesitant to complain in fear that my listeners/readers will think I believe myself to be the bearer of all that is bad in the world, but hopefully I do not give off that impression and am safe to complain a little here. I would not be so afraid of this, perhaps, if I didn't know people who gave off that impression themselves. Anyway, enough excuses and self-deprecation (aside from Grace, those just may be my other middle names), and let's get down to it.

I blame to flight from Milwaukee to NYC for the beginnings of my current ailments. But I could be wrong. Anyway, all week I'd been suffering from cold/cough/slight fever and my LEAST favorite ailment, the loss of normal voice (I have a singing audition Monday, so I care a little more at the moment). I had a rehearsal for a play reading on Friday night and I felt like I was going to collapse, followed by a few very strong reasons to believe I had pink eye. I won't get into detail, you can use your imagination. Or don't, actually. So yesterday I decided to go to the "after-hours care" at this Brooklyn health facility I've been to (when I should REALLY find a regular doctor...), and was there from 12pm to 4pm. Probably 15 minutes of that was spent with the doctor, and the rest was waiting. While it was frustrating to wait that long, don't get me wrong, it must also be remembered that there was only one doctor and a first come first serve basis. What was most frustrating were the people literally yelling at the nurses and doctors about how long it was taking, and saying that the doctor was "probably taking his time on purpose to make [them] suffer." Yes, that's probably what he was doing. WHAT? They be trippin', surrrriously. Along with the crying children, that place was a treat in which to spend four hours of my day. Anyway, after picking up my eye-drops and other meds (yes, both eyes are infected with the pink), a looong wait for the bus-ride home (but worth it, as it drops me off nearly at my front door), a shower, some tears, and mom texting, it was time to relax. Which is what I've been doing since then, and slowly but surely feeling better. Getting along with just my glasses and no contacts for a week is not ideal, but whatever. I just want all this cough/cold/fever crap to go away. Please?

So yes, being sick anywhere is tough, I think just the added stress of public transportation whilst being sick makes it seem more extreme. You can't just get in the car and go to the doctor, you have to walk to the train/bus, wait for it, ride with a lot of people who probably don't want to get coughed or sneezed on, walk to the doctors office, wait with loud crazy people, take public transit to the pharmacy, and then take it again back home. When I'm sick, I don't want to deal with anyone. And I'm sure no one wants to deal with me. I look and feel awful, and I'd rather be a hermit.

Maybe the worst part, for me, is that it reminds me of how far I am from home. Along with the fact that I just got back from a pretty decent amount of time at home, I'm feeling the homesickness pretty hard. My mom and I always joke about it being too bad that our family doesn't hate each other, that we didn't grow up in such a comfortable and loving household, because it makes it harder to leave the nest. While mostly a joke, there are times when there is a slight seriousness to the subject. In many ways I have always been adventurous and eager to explore the next part of life; however, deep in my nature, I am definitely a home-body. I remember being homesick in college - there was one time, on a Fall Break trip to Chicago with some friends, when I had a friend take me home before the trip was over so I could have some extra time at home. I was always tearful when returning to campus after a break. I've been thinking about the reasons I was able to survive the homesickness in college, and I've come up with:

1. There were designated times for me to come home, usually every two or three months.

2. College was still a time when my life was organized by a schedule, one that I alone didn't control. I controlled some of it, but the world of academics and activities was broader and bigger than me. I could lean on it, use it for support. I was still in a stage of life where I was following the comfort of a schedule.

I don't know what it is about me that makes me so aware of the passage of time, of the slipping away of the old and familiar. It's not like it's drastic. And it's not like the past didn't have its downs as well as its ups. I have learned a lot, I have met fantastic people - if time stopped I wouldn't have the pleasure of what is to come - because eventually, I will miss that too. My life is in a perpetual state of missing everything the moment after I've come to love it. Perhaps I need to accept that about myself and learn how to use it to strengthen my life rather than using it to occasionally deprecate the present.

Helen Keller once said:

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

One of my journals has that quote printed on the front, and it has always stayed with me, because I feel like I do that - I look at the closed doors for a long time. I don't think I ever completely look away. And not all of the doors are closed completely, of course. The door of childhood, perhaps, yes. But the door of my family and friends, not really. I take complete delight in the development of relationships, both with family and friends, as we grow and change. I love my siblings in their young adult forms. I love my relationship with my parents as I step further into adulthood. I love the friends I've had for years and the friends I am just beginning to make. There is so much beauty in the past, present, and future, I just feel like it's too big for me to hold on to all of it and I don't want to let any of it go.

My mom has been playing a handful of CDs in our house for years, I can't even remember how long some of this music has been in the background of my life. Most of it is instrumental, mostly new-age piano, harp, strings, etc. I did this brilliant and stupid thing when I was home and put all of those CDs onto my computer so I could listen to them all the time. I don't think I've had anything else playing on my iTunes or iPod since I got back. And while it's completely lovely to have this music with me all the time now, it hasn't really helped my nostalgic issues. Especially when I am sitting in my apartment feeling sick and wishing that my mom could be here taking care of me. When I was home last week, my sister and I were discussing the excitement of growing up paired with the wish that we never would. Wanting to see what the future holds, yet wanting to stay young forever. Such a juxtaposition of feelings.

This entry has been all over the place. Much like my mind, I guess. Musings of my insanity. I could blame it on the pink eye, but we all know that's not true, haha.

[amanda]

find your passion...and follow it.

My little brother graduated from college this weekend.

Meaning...I graduated from college four years ago. That is a bit insane to me...I have been out of college for as long as I was in college. And let me tell you, the two commencement speakers still had as much to say to me as they did to the 2011 graduates. My brother had two graduations...one for the entire university, and another for the fine arts department. The first speaker, Indra Nooyi, is the Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of PepsiCo, and has a bio of accomplishments that will simultaneously inspire you and make you feel like the laziest person in existence. The second speaker, Steven Reineke, is a Miami of Ohio graduate (my brother's recent alma mater) and the director of The New York Pops, as well as many other orchestras and musical ensembles. Both speakers offered incredible words of wisdom, both for the graduates and for all of us in attendance. However, these weren't words of how to succeed. At this point in my life, I'm not looking for that anyway. Indra, a beautiful Indian woman in her 50s, and Steven, a handsome gent in his early 40s, have both very recently reached a place in their lives where the hard work of many years has begun to pay off. Both stressed that a person's 20s are a time of exploration, a time to figure out what it means to be an adult. Being that I am still in my 20s, I found this quite comforting. I appreciated the honesty offered by Indra and Steven - they were optimistic about the future, yet realistic about the challenges faced by our generation. They were both persistent about finding ones' passion; however, they also repeatedly stated that this road is neither straight nor simple. Sometimes one must follow different paths than originally intended. One should always be open to straying from the path from time to time. And one should not be disheartened or upset if the path is different than expected. Another important point was that ones' passion is allowed to alter and change just as much as it is allowed to stay the same. As we grow older, what we originally wanted from life may have developed into a different set of goals and desires. My thought is that this usually stems from the original passion itself. While I sometimes wish that I could make life a little easier for myself and suddenly find the desire to go to business school or something, all of my interests have to do with my love of being creative: acting, singing, writing, dancing, fashion(ing?). Whatever path I choose to follow, my original love of self-expression and the arts will travel with me throughout the journey.

I couldn't help but think about all that has happened in my life since I graduated from college just four years ago. And then I started thinking about how much will happen in the next four years, what will have happened by the time I'm sitting at my sister's college graduation in 2015. I can only hope that I will be mostly happy and continuing to challenge myself and follow what I love.

But this graduation was about my brother, not me, and so I should devote some time to talk about his brilliance. He graduated with a degree in architecture, and to see his designs is to see into the mind of an imaginative inventor. His friends in the program are equally bright and fascinating, and have an immense amount of support for each other. It was great to be in the presence of people excited about the journey ahead and appreciative about the experience they were about to leave behind. I can definitely say that I was not only inspired and motivated by the graduation speakers, but also by these bright young 20-somethings, not much younger than myself, who I have no doubt will thrive in the world they are now entering.

So I am currently reading a few books, one of which is Tina Fey's Bossypants, and I cannot recommend it enough. If you love the wit and humor of this hilarious woman, you will most certainly love reading her side-splitting stories and words of wisdom.

On vacation in the Midwest until the 16th...missing NYC but definitely in need of this break. My first challenge is allowing myself to sit around and relax without feeling guilty. This is proving to be slightly difficult, but I'm working on it.

[amanda]