[cheers to the last four years]

While a blog post from me is long over-due, tonight I must write because it is my last night in New York City.  For now.  For a while.  These past couple months have been surreal - a mix of being completely and overwhelmingly aware of the finality of this chapter in my life, and an utter loss of understanding and comprehension of the changes around me.  I know that I am making these changes happen, and the personal recognition of the power of my own choices is startling.  However, no change ever comes with the absence of  anxiety and nervousness for the unknown.  I am incredibly excited to see where my life will lead as the following days, months, and years unfold.  New York has taught me to live day to day, sometimes hour to hour, and when I am more confident, perhaps week to week.  I do not know what the future holds, but I know that I have developed more of a trust in myself in these last four years in New York, and I will continue to trust myself as I move forward in this next adventure.  I have gained so much here.  I have grown.  I have cried and laughed and I don't know which one happened the most, but it doesn't matter.  I have met people who have changed my life, I have strengthened friendships with old friends.  I have done something I have wanted to do since I was nine years old and discovered that it isn't what I want anymore.

I am proud to have called myself a New Yorker for the past four years.  I hope that I will always be a bit of a New Yorker.  There is a magic to the city that will never lose it's power over me, but there is magic that has been lost as well.  Magic lost through knowledge, through experience, and, in the end, through acceptance, and a realization that magic isn't the only component of beauty and happiness.

The rest of my thoughts cannot be formed into words at this time.  I am quite full of emotions.  Thank you, New York City.  I bid you a fond farewell.

[amanda]

[you're a wasp nest]

It's funny. When there's so much to write about, the inability to write becomes greater. My mind has been consumed by thoughts about change and transition in my life. I have had difficulty sorting things out in my own silly brain, so the drive to write about everything in a blogging atmosphere was pretty much zero. Somewhat a case of perpetual writer's block, and somewhat a case of reclusiveness. Since moving to New York I think I have become more and more of a recluse, actually. Seems like an oxymoron, but interestingly enough, many people in NYC have told me that they often feel "lonely" more than anything else. I don't think lonely necessarily translates to unhappy, but it can.

So, the biggest news, in my life anyway. I have decided to leave New York. I am actually very excited about this. I am hopeful and optimistic. I am going to a place where I have a lot of good connections, great friends, and the opportunity to do more of what I love. My aunt Linda told me I should write a piece, "Why I am breaking up with you, New York City," and submit it to some magazines and newspapers, because what's on my mind is definitely on the minds of others. Besides, breaking up is hardly ever only negative - it's difficult to break up with someone (or something, someplace) you love. You have both positive and negative memories, and deciding which memories dominate your final decision can be nearly impossible. I've been going back and forth about this for over a year - but someone once told me that when it's time to leave New York, I'll know. And I have found that to be true. I know. I'm ready. Just like I knew when it was time to move here. I do not regret moving here at all, 0% regret, completely. I am so happy I did. But living here has taught me a lot - about myself, about what I want. And I've grown up in the past three and a half years. What I want now is very different from what I wanted when I was 24. I have always had trouble doing what I want vs. doing what others think I should do. That has evolved into doing what I think others think I should do. Hot mess. As I have said in many posts before, I'm sure no one else is even thinking about me. I don't mean that in a melodramatic way, obviously people think of me, like my family and friends. But I need to do what I want. So I am. And I am happy about it.

On to other perpetual wonderings! Another subject that has consumed my brain lately -consideration. Too much vs. too little. New York City vs. the rest of the U.S and the world. I wonder whether or not I am too impatient about consideration. Do I expect too much? I think I may be a little oversensitive to the subject of consideration, but there are times when the lack of it in this place is ridiculous. Between train etiquette and the retail industry in a city full of millions of people and thousands (millions?) of tourists; living in a neighborhood where people are yelling and fighting outside at midnight, littering in the street, and teaching their children to tell other children to "F$*k off" and hit each other; all of this has led me to become very weary and tired of the behavior I see on a daily basis. [Side note: this topic contributes just a small portion to my many reasons for leaving NYC, the more prominent reasons have to do with passion, art, personal happiness, pace of life, etc.] So many people just shove each other around here, and I've even been guilty of that before. Why can't everyone step to the side while people get out of the train before getting on? Many people do, yes, but many others are only thinking about getting a seat and where they are going that they don't notice that they are walking straight into another human being. I am at work at 6 o'clock in the morning five days a week to make a place look really nice so that people will want to shop there. And when I see people walk in at 9 o'clock and start to tear the place apart, I experience a heartbreaking challenge. Yes I know that I am quite a perfectionist and a bit obsessive and compulsive about organization and cleanliness. But I also go shopping, and I know it is possible to not do so like a fiend on crack. People have to know that someone has to clean up after them, and while yes, those people are paid to do so, it also takes a lot of time and energy and the ratio of shoppers to sales people is not even a plausible equation to me. This goes for restaurants, bars, the street, everywhere. I ask myself every day if my expectations are too high, and usually my answer is yes, they are - but I still don't see a happy medium.

I have become angrier and more frustrated than I'd like. It is difficult to look at myself and see traits that cloud the positive person I have always tried to be.

Moving around throughout childhood has invoked quite a sense of wanderlust in my being. Despite my inability to accept endings and change (even though I am forced to), I still find ways to make changes. This world is so big and full of interesting people and places. New York City is only one of them. I feel lucky to have been able to call this place home for three and a half years. I know that it is a fantastic place. I also know it is not the only place.

I need to write down all of the things I want to do before I leave. I don't really have a lot of time, actually. I know that there is so much I will miss about this city. I will cry when I drive away. But I am full of hope and excitement. I am ready for the next challenge. If New York could give me one parting gift, I want it to hold true to the statement that "If you can live in New York City, you can live anywhere." We shall see.

I shall see.

[amanda]

title quote: "Wasp Nest," The National, Cherry Tree

[i've got somewhere to go, i've got a new road to follow]

I was going to devote an entry to Christmas Traditions at the Carsons...and I started writing about it...but then I realized that the only people who would really appreciate my nostalgic ramblings about holiday tradition are the four people (and the crazy dog) who share the day with me. So I just want to say that I hope 2012 is off to a lovely beginning! And I encourage you to think of the traditions that make you smile, no matter what time of year.

The world is a big place. So many wonderful places to be, so much to explore. It's exciting and overwhelming. How does one go about choosing the best place to be? Many people don't even get to choose. I really love all of the places I've lived throughout my life, but it's impossible to choose a favorite, and to choose whether I want to stay here or move on to another place - or to go back to an old place. I have called seven states my home in my twenty-seven years of life...and they are all special and beautiful and full of possibilities. I wonder if people who move around throughout childhood/early adulthood have an ingrained sense of wanderlust. I just cannot figure out a way to combine my so-called wanderlust with my chronic nostalgia and resistance to change.

I already posted this on my facebook page, but do yourself a favor and watch this video/listen to this song from Ingrid Michaelson's new album, Human Again, which comes out on January 24th (wish it was sooner!). I cannot wait to have those sweet new melodies ringing through my ears. This woman knows how to write beautiful lyrics and music, it would do you well to become a fan (although I'm guessing many of you already are).

So far, I am not doing too badly on my resolution to listen to myself this year. The more I consider the things that I want and try to accept the fact that nothing can be certain, the more relaxed and optimistic I become. I think I am always going to be a "late-bloomer" in many respects, perhaps I'm learning how to embrace that.

I am watching Love Actually right now, already teared up during the opening montage, haha. Pathetic. Although that bitch who cheats on Colin Firth in the beginning really pisses me off. And my lovely roommate and bff is home to watch it with me, so farewell for the moment and I'll write again soon.

[amanda]

title quote: "I Must Go," Late Tuesday, Late Tuesday (scroll down and take a listen from two entries ago!)

new year, more thoughts

Happy 2012 everyone! I hope you all had a safe, restful, and fun holiday season. I am heading back to the Big Apple this evening, and while that should be the most exciting thing in the world, my reluctance to leave my friends, family, and cozy house behind is trumping that excitement. I am, however, trying to be a brave adult and think of the people I am thrilled to be able to see upon my return to NYC, and the beautiful places to go that can only be found in the city that never sleeps. This positive attitude alongside my melancholy heart is quite an odd emotional sensation. This will be brief, but I wanted to get a few thoughts out there. The next entry will be a fun exploration of Christmas with the Carsons - a commentary on the many years of celebration and weird traditions in my household.

I am not one for a long list of New Years resolutions. Obviously, there are many things I want to work on, that I want to change or better about myself, but I think that should be started and maintained any time of the year - and changes are difficult. I don't like writing a huge list and feeling guilty about what I haven't done. Haha...that sounds really optimistic... But I have two very important changes, or improvements, I want to make this year, and I think they might be useful to share.

1.) I want to listen to myself. What do I really want? How do I really feel? What makes me happy? What makes me unhappy? Rather than doing what I think everyone else thinks I should do, or feel the way I'm supposed to feel, I need to dig deep and figure out my needs. I am forever worried about being selfish, but I think we all need to be selfish to a certain degree. It does not matter what others think about my life. It is my life. Investing in my own happiness will only make me a better person in mind, heart, and spirit. I need to know what I want without feeling guilty or worried about making mistakes. Making mistakes is inevitable. Believe me, this resolution will be a challenge for me, but I'm hoping for the best.

2.) I want to stop comparing myself to other people. Whether they are people I know, or people I don't know, the only person I can be is me.

That being said (written?), I wish you all a happy and successful start to your new year, and I look forward to more thoughts and reflections as time goes by. Please do not hesitate to comment! I love to know what others are thinking.

[amanda]

[a thousand miles onto the sea bed/found a place to rest my head]

Being home for the holidays is really fantastic. I feel so fortunate to have these people in my life who love me no matter what, who support me and bring me into a warm and safe environment full of tradition and familiarity. While my brother is in Thailand until mid-January, the magic of Skype (and creativity - see here and here) allowed us to talk to him many times over the holidays and almost feel like he was with us. I find it so crazy to think that a mere ten years ago (or even less? Not even sure anymore what has been invented and when, it all happens so quickly) we couldn't have had this immediate and cyberface-to-cyberface correspondence. Very grateful for this, obviously.

So my dad is really awesome an scored some first-class tickets for my flight home, and while I felt a little not-fancy-enough for the ride, it was pretty sweet. Free(ish) wine and lots of legroom. And my seat-mate was a sweet, talkative girl, so we were obviously besties five minutes into the flight. I realized something while talking to her - people rarely introduce themselves with their names on airplanes (or trains, etc.). The people will talk about thousands of details about life (if they talk at all - oftentimes they do not), but when you get off the plane, you realize you never exchanged the basic information of names. Weird. It was interesting to talk to her about living in NYC, because our lives are very different - and to me hers sounds kind of ideal. She works in PR and lives in the West Village, it sounds like a movie. However, she wanted to know all about living in Brooklyn, and she thought my job sounded glamorous (it's not) and that pursuing a career in the arts was so trendy and fun (it's exhausting and terrifying), so basically, no matter what, the grass always seems greener on the other side. I think everyone has these ideas of what other people's lives are like, when we really have no idea. Our opinions are based on movies and high-expectations, and oftentimes we put these same standards on our own lives, never living up to what we think we should be. Does anyone ever have everything he or she wants? Probably not. I hope there are people in the world who don't suffer from this crazy syndrome of never being good enough for themselves, and I'm sure there are. It just seems to me that we live in a world that encourages the harbor of such dark disappointments, I am not quite sure how to crawl out of that world - especially when I recognize so many people deep in that world with me. I do not have an answer for this, maybe some of you do.

Why is it that I feel guilty about changing? It is completely natural (and encouraged!) to grow and change along with our life experiences. We learn, we realize, we ponder, we reflect. The things we see, hear, smell, touch, taste, do - all of these experiences and sensations pile into this thing called life; sometimes, what we thought when we were nine years old is different when we are twenty-seven. I understand and respect this when it happens to people I know (and even people I do not know), but for some reason I cannot accept it when it happens to me. I resist change in general (it may not seem like it, with all the moving around I have done, but just trust me on this), and resisting change in my own personal feelings and goals is always a heavy load on my shoulders. It's like I am afraid of letting "Little Amanda" down - like I don't give myself credit for knowing a lot more than my nine-year-old self. And my future self will know a hell of a lot more (I hope) than I do right now. I also worry far too much about what others will think of my changes and choices. As if I don't have enough judgement on myself, I enforce all of this judgement coming from others - when in reality those people are not even thinking about my choices at all. Like, at all. Most people just hope everyone else is happy and figures out their shit, and maybe if other people figure out their shit they can teach the rest of us how to do that. My priorities are obviously different now than they were at sixteen, at twenty-two, even at twenty-five. So why do I give myself such a hard time about this? I should just be excited about new ideas and new adventures and role with it. I would not be a good hippi. I don't know how to just "go with the flow." I am horrible at that. In some ways, yes, I am very free-spirited, but in other ways I really do need to get the stick out of my ass. Haha. At least I can laugh about it (a little).

On a completely different note, I love and adore the moments in life when I am listening to music and a song comes on that never fails to bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. I have a large handful of songs like that, but a special five I want to share with you (click links to listen!).

"Start a War" - The National, Boxer

"Wasp Nest" - The National, Cherry Tree

"Warning Sign" - Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head

"The Way It Is" - Bruce Hornsby, Greatest Radio Hits

"I Must Go" - Late Tuesday, Late Tuesday (unfortunately, this was the only free youtube link I could find with the whole song, otherwise it's like a bad quality video of them live, so ignore - or enjoy, I guess, if you want - the Adam Cartwright/Pernell Roberts tribute, which I find a little awkward, so maybe buy the song on iTunes or check it out on Spotify if you like!)

Anyway, I love that feeling, a connection amongst the ear, heart, body, mind, spirit, soul, everything. Just perfection, really.

I'm going to sign off for now, although I have lots more to write about, so stay tuned! And Happy New Year to all! Let's get it on, 2012.

[amanda]

title quote - Florence + the Machine, "Never Let Me Go," from the phenomenal album, Ceremonials.

[all i want for christmas is...]

I'm about to leave for the airport. I plan to blog whilst at home...get ready!!! I hope everyone has merry and magical holidays with those you love.

"Oh there's noooooo place like hooooome for the holidays..."

xxoo

[amanda]

[take this pink ribbon off my eyes/i'm exposed and it's no big surprise]

What is it about a "Winter Pine" candle that just makes everything better? I don't know, but this candle has turned my room into the best place to be. If only our landlord would turn the heat up just a tiny bit, and if only I had just made cookies or something, I would be truly content right now. But this candle puts contentment at about 96.2%. So I'd say that's pretty good.

I'm cozied up on my bed right now, listening to what I have appropriately named my "f*&ckin' sweet playlist" (and it is pretty f-ing sweet), and taking a break from memorizing sides for an audition I have coming up (details not listed here, in case things don't work out, but if you want to send positive vibes I would certainly welcome them!). I've been thinking a lot about my ability to be excited for myself - my ability to wish myself good luck, to believe in myself, to throw caution to the wind and say "Screw what everyone else wants, this is what I want and I'm going for it." I am not the strongest in this category. I have heard that it's best to go into any situation envisioning yourself succeeding at whatever you may be doing at that moment. Envision yourself singing the best you can sing, giving the best performance you can give, knowing all the right information, wow-ing the crowd, getting all the laughs and cries and sighs at all the appropriate times. Granted I am equating most of this to performance and theatre, but you can put it into whatever medium you wish. And I do try to do that - I really do - it's just that "little Amanda" still creeps in sometimes and says, "Why are you thinking that way, you're so conceited, all this is going to do is make your failure more of a let down than it would be if you just kept a low opinion of yourself as usual." Why do I, and other people, think this way? All it does is sabotage success and well-being. What is it that makes people afraid of being excited for themselves, for being confident in their abilities? I have been told so many times by so many people whom I respect and admire that confidence and conceit are two very different things. Confidence is attractive and acceptable - it should be encouraged. Yet even when it is encouraged, it doesn't always come naturally. I have two of the most encouraging and loving parents I know, I should be one of the most confident women in the world, given the support I have received since the beginning of my life. Is it society? I don't think we can always blame society. Sometimes I think the growth of technology makes it harder - being able to see the beauty and success of everyone else at every instant can make all of us wonder why we don't measure up. But there are so many good things about social networking as well, so I don't like to blame it entirely.

I don't even know anymore. This is a challenging topic. Not really sure where I'm going with it, perhaps some other input would be valuable. Thoughts from you, dear readers? How do you get through times of insecurity and self-doubt? What are your methods for boosting self-confidence? Are you afraid to be confident? Or does it come easily to you? Is it possible to just fool people while you work on your inner strength? Can you eventually fool yourself?

New York is a place where normal rules do not always apply. Things happen ten times faster and are ten times more difficult. But maybe I feel that way because I am sucked up in the middle of it. Perhaps, again, the words of someone else will help.

One of those out-of-the-ordinary days that made sense of the slew of ordinary days. New York had a way of doing that. Every now and then the city shook its soul out. It assailed you with an image, or a day, or a crime, or a terror, or a beauty so difficult to wrap your mind around that you had to shake your head in disbelief...because it was a city uninterested in history. Strange things occurred precisely because there was no necessary regard for the past. The city lived in a sort of everyday present...New York kept going forward precisely because it didn't give a good goddamn about what it had left behind...the city was bigger than its buildings, bigger than its inhabitants too. It had its own nuances. It accepted whatever came its way, the crime and the violence and the little shocks of good that crawled out from underneath the everyday.

Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann (pgs. 247-248)

It's a different sort of beast, this city. I never knew I could love and hate and want and need a place all at once and on so many levels. I'm definitely excited to go home for the holidays. I need a break from the city right now, but I know I'll be itching to come back. New York is a clever little bitch, you want to cry and scratch her eyes out as much as you want her to be your best friend. It accentuates the qualities within yourself that you love, and those which you wish rid yourself of. New York City brings out parts of your personality you didn't realize existed. She gives you the opportunity to do things you never thought you could do. There are times when I walk around the city and hold back tears because of the beauty that surrounds me. And there are times when I'm holding my breath and closing my eyes and turning up the music on my ipod because I want to block everything from my senses. (I also find it interesting that I think of NYC as a female...)

I'm not flowing with this entry but I'm going to stop apologizing for it. My brain is not flowing right now, and this blog is a reflection of my thoughts, so perhaps it's appropriate. And now I have a bit of a headache. Next on the list - tea, tylenol, and some reading. Enjoy your night loves.

[amanda]

title quote - "Just a Girl," Tragic Kingdom, No Doubt