new year, more thoughts

Happy 2012 everyone! I hope you all had a safe, restful, and fun holiday season. I am heading back to the Big Apple this evening, and while that should be the most exciting thing in the world, my reluctance to leave my friends, family, and cozy house behind is trumping that excitement. I am, however, trying to be a brave adult and think of the people I am thrilled to be able to see upon my return to NYC, and the beautiful places to go that can only be found in the city that never sleeps. This positive attitude alongside my melancholy heart is quite an odd emotional sensation. This will be brief, but I wanted to get a few thoughts out there. The next entry will be a fun exploration of Christmas with the Carsons - a commentary on the many years of celebration and weird traditions in my household.

I am not one for a long list of New Years resolutions. Obviously, there are many things I want to work on, that I want to change or better about myself, but I think that should be started and maintained any time of the year - and changes are difficult. I don't like writing a huge list and feeling guilty about what I haven't done. Haha...that sounds really optimistic... But I have two very important changes, or improvements, I want to make this year, and I think they might be useful to share.

1.) I want to listen to myself. What do I really want? How do I really feel? What makes me happy? What makes me unhappy? Rather than doing what I think everyone else thinks I should do, or feel the way I'm supposed to feel, I need to dig deep and figure out my needs. I am forever worried about being selfish, but I think we all need to be selfish to a certain degree. It does not matter what others think about my life. It is my life. Investing in my own happiness will only make me a better person in mind, heart, and spirit. I need to know what I want without feeling guilty or worried about making mistakes. Making mistakes is inevitable. Believe me, this resolution will be a challenge for me, but I'm hoping for the best.

2.) I want to stop comparing myself to other people. Whether they are people I know, or people I don't know, the only person I can be is me.

That being said (written?), I wish you all a happy and successful start to your new year, and I look forward to more thoughts and reflections as time goes by. Please do not hesitate to comment! I love to know what others are thinking.

[amanda]

[a thousand miles onto the sea bed/found a place to rest my head]

Being home for the holidays is really fantastic. I feel so fortunate to have these people in my life who love me no matter what, who support me and bring me into a warm and safe environment full of tradition and familiarity. While my brother is in Thailand until mid-January, the magic of Skype (and creativity - see here and here) allowed us to talk to him many times over the holidays and almost feel like he was with us. I find it so crazy to think that a mere ten years ago (or even less? Not even sure anymore what has been invented and when, it all happens so quickly) we couldn't have had this immediate and cyberface-to-cyberface correspondence. Very grateful for this, obviously.

So my dad is really awesome an scored some first-class tickets for my flight home, and while I felt a little not-fancy-enough for the ride, it was pretty sweet. Free(ish) wine and lots of legroom. And my seat-mate was a sweet, talkative girl, so we were obviously besties five minutes into the flight. I realized something while talking to her - people rarely introduce themselves with their names on airplanes (or trains, etc.). The people will talk about thousands of details about life (if they talk at all - oftentimes they do not), but when you get off the plane, you realize you never exchanged the basic information of names. Weird. It was interesting to talk to her about living in NYC, because our lives are very different - and to me hers sounds kind of ideal. She works in PR and lives in the West Village, it sounds like a movie. However, she wanted to know all about living in Brooklyn, and she thought my job sounded glamorous (it's not) and that pursuing a career in the arts was so trendy and fun (it's exhausting and terrifying), so basically, no matter what, the grass always seems greener on the other side. I think everyone has these ideas of what other people's lives are like, when we really have no idea. Our opinions are based on movies and high-expectations, and oftentimes we put these same standards on our own lives, never living up to what we think we should be. Does anyone ever have everything he or she wants? Probably not. I hope there are people in the world who don't suffer from this crazy syndrome of never being good enough for themselves, and I'm sure there are. It just seems to me that we live in a world that encourages the harbor of such dark disappointments, I am not quite sure how to crawl out of that world - especially when I recognize so many people deep in that world with me. I do not have an answer for this, maybe some of you do.

Why is it that I feel guilty about changing? It is completely natural (and encouraged!) to grow and change along with our life experiences. We learn, we realize, we ponder, we reflect. The things we see, hear, smell, touch, taste, do - all of these experiences and sensations pile into this thing called life; sometimes, what we thought when we were nine years old is different when we are twenty-seven. I understand and respect this when it happens to people I know (and even people I do not know), but for some reason I cannot accept it when it happens to me. I resist change in general (it may not seem like it, with all the moving around I have done, but just trust me on this), and resisting change in my own personal feelings and goals is always a heavy load on my shoulders. It's like I am afraid of letting "Little Amanda" down - like I don't give myself credit for knowing a lot more than my nine-year-old self. And my future self will know a hell of a lot more (I hope) than I do right now. I also worry far too much about what others will think of my changes and choices. As if I don't have enough judgement on myself, I enforce all of this judgement coming from others - when in reality those people are not even thinking about my choices at all. Like, at all. Most people just hope everyone else is happy and figures out their shit, and maybe if other people figure out their shit they can teach the rest of us how to do that. My priorities are obviously different now than they were at sixteen, at twenty-two, even at twenty-five. So why do I give myself such a hard time about this? I should just be excited about new ideas and new adventures and role with it. I would not be a good hippi. I don't know how to just "go with the flow." I am horrible at that. In some ways, yes, I am very free-spirited, but in other ways I really do need to get the stick out of my ass. Haha. At least I can laugh about it (a little).

On a completely different note, I love and adore the moments in life when I am listening to music and a song comes on that never fails to bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. I have a large handful of songs like that, but a special five I want to share with you (click links to listen!).

"Start a War" - The National, Boxer

"Wasp Nest" - The National, Cherry Tree

"Warning Sign" - Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head

"The Way It Is" - Bruce Hornsby, Greatest Radio Hits

"I Must Go" - Late Tuesday, Late Tuesday (unfortunately, this was the only free youtube link I could find with the whole song, otherwise it's like a bad quality video of them live, so ignore - or enjoy, I guess, if you want - the Adam Cartwright/Pernell Roberts tribute, which I find a little awkward, so maybe buy the song on iTunes or check it out on Spotify if you like!)

Anyway, I love that feeling, a connection amongst the ear, heart, body, mind, spirit, soul, everything. Just perfection, really.

I'm going to sign off for now, although I have lots more to write about, so stay tuned! And Happy New Year to all! Let's get it on, 2012.

[amanda]

title quote - Florence + the Machine, "Never Let Me Go," from the phenomenal album, Ceremonials.

[all i want for christmas is...]

I'm about to leave for the airport. I plan to blog whilst at home...get ready!!! I hope everyone has merry and magical holidays with those you love.

"Oh there's noooooo place like hooooome for the holidays..."

xxoo

[amanda]

[take this pink ribbon off my eyes/i'm exposed and it's no big surprise]

What is it about a "Winter Pine" candle that just makes everything better? I don't know, but this candle has turned my room into the best place to be. If only our landlord would turn the heat up just a tiny bit, and if only I had just made cookies or something, I would be truly content right now. But this candle puts contentment at about 96.2%. So I'd say that's pretty good.

I'm cozied up on my bed right now, listening to what I have appropriately named my "f*&ckin' sweet playlist" (and it is pretty f-ing sweet), and taking a break from memorizing sides for an audition I have coming up (details not listed here, in case things don't work out, but if you want to send positive vibes I would certainly welcome them!). I've been thinking a lot about my ability to be excited for myself - my ability to wish myself good luck, to believe in myself, to throw caution to the wind and say "Screw what everyone else wants, this is what I want and I'm going for it." I am not the strongest in this category. I have heard that it's best to go into any situation envisioning yourself succeeding at whatever you may be doing at that moment. Envision yourself singing the best you can sing, giving the best performance you can give, knowing all the right information, wow-ing the crowd, getting all the laughs and cries and sighs at all the appropriate times. Granted I am equating most of this to performance and theatre, but you can put it into whatever medium you wish. And I do try to do that - I really do - it's just that "little Amanda" still creeps in sometimes and says, "Why are you thinking that way, you're so conceited, all this is going to do is make your failure more of a let down than it would be if you just kept a low opinion of yourself as usual." Why do I, and other people, think this way? All it does is sabotage success and well-being. What is it that makes people afraid of being excited for themselves, for being confident in their abilities? I have been told so many times by so many people whom I respect and admire that confidence and conceit are two very different things. Confidence is attractive and acceptable - it should be encouraged. Yet even when it is encouraged, it doesn't always come naturally. I have two of the most encouraging and loving parents I know, I should be one of the most confident women in the world, given the support I have received since the beginning of my life. Is it society? I don't think we can always blame society. Sometimes I think the growth of technology makes it harder - being able to see the beauty and success of everyone else at every instant can make all of us wonder why we don't measure up. But there are so many good things about social networking as well, so I don't like to blame it entirely.

I don't even know anymore. This is a challenging topic. Not really sure where I'm going with it, perhaps some other input would be valuable. Thoughts from you, dear readers? How do you get through times of insecurity and self-doubt? What are your methods for boosting self-confidence? Are you afraid to be confident? Or does it come easily to you? Is it possible to just fool people while you work on your inner strength? Can you eventually fool yourself?

New York is a place where normal rules do not always apply. Things happen ten times faster and are ten times more difficult. But maybe I feel that way because I am sucked up in the middle of it. Perhaps, again, the words of someone else will help.

One of those out-of-the-ordinary days that made sense of the slew of ordinary days. New York had a way of doing that. Every now and then the city shook its soul out. It assailed you with an image, or a day, or a crime, or a terror, or a beauty so difficult to wrap your mind around that you had to shake your head in disbelief...because it was a city uninterested in history. Strange things occurred precisely because there was no necessary regard for the past. The city lived in a sort of everyday present...New York kept going forward precisely because it didn't give a good goddamn about what it had left behind...the city was bigger than its buildings, bigger than its inhabitants too. It had its own nuances. It accepted whatever came its way, the crime and the violence and the little shocks of good that crawled out from underneath the everyday.

Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann (pgs. 247-248)

It's a different sort of beast, this city. I never knew I could love and hate and want and need a place all at once and on so many levels. I'm definitely excited to go home for the holidays. I need a break from the city right now, but I know I'll be itching to come back. New York is a clever little bitch, you want to cry and scratch her eyes out as much as you want her to be your best friend. It accentuates the qualities within yourself that you love, and those which you wish rid yourself of. New York City brings out parts of your personality you didn't realize existed. She gives you the opportunity to do things you never thought you could do. There are times when I walk around the city and hold back tears because of the beauty that surrounds me. And there are times when I'm holding my breath and closing my eyes and turning up the music on my ipod because I want to block everything from my senses. (I also find it interesting that I think of NYC as a female...)

I'm not flowing with this entry but I'm going to stop apologizing for it. My brain is not flowing right now, and this blog is a reflection of my thoughts, so perhaps it's appropriate. And now I have a bit of a headache. Next on the list - tea, tylenol, and some reading. Enjoy your night loves.

[amanda]

title quote - "Just a Girl," Tragic Kingdom, No Doubt

[welcome to your life/there's no turning back]

Oh blog, my darling, how I have missed you! I think a snowy [!] day at the end of October is the perfect time to catch up.

So I spent most of September and October traveling back and forth to Maplewood, NJ whilst playing the leading lady, Amalia Balash, in She Loves Me, a lovely little musical that inspired the film You've Got Mail and probably countless other story-lines (boy and girl write letters, boy and girl meet unknowingly, boy and girl hate each other in real life, boy and girl agree to meet, boy realizes girl is the hated-girl, boy is asshole to girl, girl thinks she's been stood up, boy feels guilty and tries to amend his actions, boy and girl start to like each other, girl doesn't realize boy is the boy, boy confesses to girl, happily ever after time ensues). I learned a lot and gained an NYC vocal coach out of the experience, which has been a fabulous addition to my life. However, what I'd really like to talk about is what this show taught me about New Jersey Transit. Yes, ladies and gents, that is an experience in itself. It is a thing of madness and mystery, and to immerse oneself in it for a month and a half deserves an award of bravery. This is a place where 40 year old businessmen will elbow you in the face and push you down the stairs; where one of them will take up three seats with his briefcases, his newspapers, and his suited-up ass even though people are standing up and seatless all over the train car. A place where anyone, yes, anyone, is willing to shove you into a pillar or a door in order to make it down the stairs first to ensure a seat on the train. The holding room looks like it's full of zombies, staring up at the screens which will post which track each train departs from a mere ten minutes (or less) before scheduled (or delayed) departure. As soon as a track is announced, there is a flurry of running and movement. I have been trying to figure out a way to describe this phenomenon in words rather than pantomime, and I don't know if I can...so find me sometime and I'll show you. Traveling on NJ Transit is really an art - an art that one must master, lest he or she want to get trampled. While much cleaner and comfier than the subway, I'd have to say that I saw more despicable behavior in these travels to NJ than on the C train to Brooklyn. Let's go back to the lessons we learned in kindergarten, please, and remember not to shove, and remember the importance of sharing and compassion. Living in NYC or NJ does not give us a pass to be immature mongrels of society. No. Haha. Once I started to view it as humorous, I felt a lot better. Now if I could only view the actions of the many NYC shoppers in my place of work as such, I'd be less stressed and less angry at the end of the day. Personal project, I guess.

I spend a lot of time observing the behavior and actions of those around me, with positive and negative thoughts and conclusions built from these observations; however, my ability to write about these things ebbs and flows, and I don't feel as though I am flowing today.

I got to spend time with my dad in September, and then my mom and sister came to visit for the show. I definitely wish my family lived closer to me, it would be nice for these visits to not be so short and scattered. But beautiful and special nonetheless. Autumn is the time of visiting friends and family, which is always exciting and sad. Seeing people whom I haven't seen in a long time is magical and energy inducing; yet, it also makes me realize how much a part of each others lives we are not, how little of the day to day we actually know about each other. Facebook, Twitter, emailing, texting, blogging, etcetera, help ease that pain of disconnection, but our lack of involvement is still evident in the many times we all say a phrase such as, "What?! No, you didn't tell me that! I can't believe it!" It isn't as if we don't care to tell one another, or that we forget. We're just all trying so hard to stay afloat in our own lives and we know everyone else is doing the same...it's difficult to put everyone's happenings and needs first when ours are so desperately asking to be attended. I think of myself as being very good with communication and "keeping in touch," but I am not nearly as talented at the skill as I'd like to be.

Moving on completely, the latest book we read for the book club I am in was The Catcher in the Rye. I had never read it before, (I know, shocker...but I didn't read the Harry Potter series until the summer the 6th book came out...sometimes I like to be late on literary trends.) and I absolutely loved it. Before reading it, all I knew was that the main characters name was Holden Caulfield and that it was controversial when it was first published. Obviously the book is a great deal more than that, haha. If you haven't read it, you should, there is a reason it's so famous.

I feel like I thought my grand reopening back into the blogging world would be brighter and more joyful and full of deep thoughts...but as usual, I just rambled. I hope you got something out of it, dearest reader(s?), and I promise I won't wait so long to write again.

[amanda]

title quote: originally Tears for Fears "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" from Songs from the Big . Chair, but there is an EXCELLENT cover you should also check out by Anthony David featuring Shawn Stockman of Boyz II Men (and I think I'm right in saying that "Boyz II Men" is one of the greatest group names ever. I mean, you have boys spelled with a fuckin' "Z" at the end, Roman Numerals II for the word "to," and then just regular "men" but whatever, that would have been overkill, right?). Anyway, check out both renditions of the song. Pretty awesome.

[many happy returns]

I am 27 years old today.

It feels odd. I'm excited and terrified of this whole "growing up" concept. I mean...what does "growing up" really mean, anyway? Do people ever actually do that? I'm not sure. I've been reading the short stories of Simon Van Booy (please read his work...seriously), and I find myself completely entranced by his ability to write things that I have always thought, yet have never been able to express so eloquently.

Example:

Night can unmoor so many feelings; it is a relief we sleep through it. Night unravels the day and reinvents it for the first time. We may mean nothing to time, but to each other we are kings and queens, and the world is a wild benevolent garden filled with chance meetings and unexplained departures.

- The Secret Lives of People in Love, "Everything is a Beautiful Trick"

I wonder if things can happen too early or too late or if everything happens at exactly the right time. If so, how sad and beautiful.

- The Secret Lives..., "The Still But Falling World"

…realized…that anyone could love anyone under certain circumstances, and that life is a museum of small accidents.

- The Secret Lives..., "The Mute Ventriloquist"

Language is like looking at a map of somewhere. Love is living there and surviving on the land...there is no such thing as fate, but there are no accidents either. Love is like life but starts before and continues after - we arrive and depart in the middle.

- Love Begins in Winter, "Love Begins in Winter

We are not at home in the world because we imagine it is as we have become, full of nothing but yearning and forgetting and hoping for something so raw we can't describe it. We think of the world as the place of beginnings and ends, and we forget the in-between, and even how to inhabit our own bodies. And then in adulthood, we sit and wonder why we feel so lost.

- Love Begins in Winter, "Tiger, Tiger"

There's so much more I wish I could share, but please just read these short stories (and his novel, Everything Beautiful Began After) and underline the crap out of them as I did, if you wish (college taught me the beautiful concept of writing in books).

Anyway. Although it is supposed to rain later, at the moment it is 70 degrees and sunny and I am writing from my room where my windows are wide open, letting in fresh breeze that I can always feel from the lovely second story of this pretty little brownstone. I am not celebrating too much because of the approaching opening night of She Loves Me (get tickets, east coasters! http://www.interactproductions.org/), but plenty of people are making me feel special and loved today and I appreciate it more than I can say. I got the BEST package from my wonderful family, which included: homemade granola, nutella, cookies & chocolates, swedish fish & sour patch fruits, TINY post it notes (so tiny!!), sassy napkins (wine! how classy people get shitfaced), peanut butter, jelly, applesauce, tuna, and a beautiful card...I mean it's everything I need, really :o) I kind of burst into tears upon opening this package and discovering all of these treats...I blame it on my current over-emotional state, haha (but when am I not over-emotional...ahhh).

Anyway, my birthday. Wow. Birthdays are strange as one gets older. Strange in a pleasant way, yes, but I am also nostalgic (surprise, surprise) for the feeling of younger birthdays. There is an indescribable excitement that has somehow gotten lost as I've gotten older. It creeps up a little, but it's not the same.

I'm happy to be here, happy to be alive, happy to be 27. Let us see what this year brings.

[amanda]

[that's just the way it is]

HELLO!

I am alive. Busy up to my earlobes, but alive...and do I not love to be busy up to my earlobes? Things are spinning about like mad in my daily life and I have not had the time to sit and write of my reflections, which is a damn shame as I have so many!!! Work has, as always, been eating away at my sleep and energy; however, what would I do without a job? Plenty...let's not think about that, because I'll just get depressed, haha. But in all seriousness, I am thankful to have a job. I have also been in rehearsals for the musical She Loves Me with InterAct Productions in Maplewood, NJ, which has been an absolute dream. I'm working with some very talented people, and I am able to play a role that has been an unknown dream to me, as I just heard about this musical before the auditions. If you are in the tri-state area, you should seriously consider checking out this lovely little show - here is the link to the facebook event: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=211426572250470

I am always reminded of what must be my true passion for theatre and the arts when I spend hours of travel, memorization, rehearsal, etcetera on a project when I won't see a penny of money...and I don't even care or mind. The reason I would love to someday get paid for this is so that I can do ONLY this, I can spend my days rehearsing and writing and singing and dancing and playing and learning and growing as an artist - and that would be all! Aside from good times with friends and family, all of that other fun stuff. Someday...

Anyway, I must run, just wanted to update a short bit...hope I will have time for a good entry soon. Love to all, xoxo.

[amanda]

title quote: "That's Just the Way It Is," Bruce Hornsby :o)