belated entry from the air...

So I’m sitting in an airplane. It’s not even near capacity, so I have taken over two seats, spreading my belongings and enormously long legs over the pleasurably cramp-ish space, and thinking about what it means to be a human being. When floating above the world, where even with both feet on the ground my head is “in the clouds” as the expression goes, my mind seems to wander more than usual. I always assume that I will feel insignificant on a plane, faced with the majesty and vastness of the planet we occupy; however, I tend to feel overwhelmed by my place on this earth. Obviously, I am confronted with the ridiculously high number of human beings living on this crazy planet. Yet this realization, or recognition of fact, only makes me insanely aware that I am playing an important, albeit small, role in this comedic/tragic journey. I know that the majority of the current and future population will never know who I am or what I’ve done, or what I have yet to do. And I don’t want to portray some sort of “there must be a reason I am here” attitude; nevertheless, is there a reason? I don’t mean to say that I was specifically put on this earth to be some sort of significant presence…what I mean is that everyone, no matter how long they are a part of this life that we know, contributes a piece to the puzzle of humanity. I’m sure it seems that there are big and small pieces, and to be honest, some pieces are bigger than others. But I am a firm believer that bigger does not always mean better (I will allow time here for dirty thoughts, and I chuckle along with your adolescent humor, as I share and delight in it myself J ). As I get older, I am further convinced that the most important thing in life is to love and be loved. Perhaps that sounds lame or clichéd or whatever, I don’t care. Love is word of vast meaning and infinite interpretation. Perhaps my romantic view of the world exists primarily because I have been exposed to pure love from the moment I came into being. I am aware that this is not the case for all, and to be honest, I’m not sure how to reason that one. However, it is difficult for me to believe that there is anyone who isn’t loved by at least one person, unless they have purposely put themselves into seclusion; yet there must be a reason for this seclusion, maybe even the fear of love. Enough tragic love stories exist for all of us to know that “true love” does not necessarily mean a happy ending.

Time for me to put my laptop away…I shall expand on this later.

I told you my mind wanders in the air J

[amanda]

[i should just click my heels together and go home/but i'm not sure where that is anymore]

WHERE have I BEEN?!

I am quite embarrassed. Please forgive me? But I am here. And bursting with stories and thoughts and brilliant quotes from books and people I love. Get. Excited.

Out of respect for my own thoughts, I'm going to first paste an entry I had started a few weeks ago:

I have held residency in seven different states, lived in thirteen different "homes" (yes, I'm including dorm rooms on the St. Olaf campus), and I assumed that would make me a professional mover. In many ways, it has given me useful skills and a generally positive attitude to keep me going throughout the process. And perhaps my roommate and I should give ourselves a lot of credit for finding/getting/renting and apartment and then packing/moving/lifting/carrying/organizing/drilling/hanging etc in just ONE WEEK (well, some of it has been a continuous effort). I do give us a lot of credit. But I have also found that I have inherited at least 3/4 of my mother's crazy organizational OCD, and living in a state of frenzy and DISorganization makes me grumpy, flustered, and unmotivated in all ways of life.

That's as far as I got. But just to update, we are a lot more settled in, and the apartment is just lovely thus far. We're getting used to the slightly longer commute, and with the help of new furniture, and being almost completely unpacked, things are much better. I will try to post photos soon!

I just finished one of the most wonderful books I have ever read, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. I wish I could quote the entire book here, but I will just recommend it (if you haven't already read it), and add this small selection of brilliance below:

"I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing...[it's the tragedy of loving, you can't love anything more than something you miss]...you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

It's like that book went into my soul and spit it out, showing me that I am not alone in my crazy thoughts. I laughed, I cried, and I quite seriously considered finding a way to adopt Oskar Schell, as he is the most wonderful child ever. Please read this if you haven't. AND I found out that Jonathan Safran Foer is MARRIED to one of my other favorite writers right now, Nicole Krauss (The History of Love, Great House, Man Walks Into a Room), which is honestly orgasmic, more so for them than me, haha, but I think that it's an appropriate description ;o)

Speaking of missing things...I was just home with the fam and friends for a week...and I get to go back on Thursday! I love being home. Which is odd, because I didn't even grow up there. But I love it. I know I've talked about Milwaukee multiple times in this blog, so I won't get into that, but sometimes I really don't know where I'm supposed to be. I love all the moving around I did as a kid...and an adult...however, I have come to realize that I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Not in a bad way, but definitely in a confusing way. I should rephrase that. I feel like I belong too many places. I wish that I could split my life into three or four lives, and each one could follow a different path, and then we'd see which Amanda was the happiest at the end. Since that isn't possible...what shall I do? I wish there was someone who made all of my choices for me.

Perhaps this isn't the glorious update I promised...but I WILL close with a photo from the airplane :o)

[amanda]

title quote: Much Farther To Go, Rosie Thomas

my dearest blog readers...

...I apologize for the lack of posting in this busy time. My roommate and I moved this past weekend (a mere six days after viewing the apartment for the first time...less than five days after finding out the place was ours...that's how it works in New York) and things are a bit insane. However, the move was a success, although there are still many kinks and tiny bits of chaos to get through. I think it is safe to say that we are happy, haha, and even safer to say that we are a bit overwhelmed. Lots on my mind though, so my silly thoughts won't stay silent for long, I promise.

Until then...

[amanda]

p.s. You see how crazy it all is, I can't even think of a song lyric for a title...for shame.

oh such sweet deliciousness

I am literally shaking with excitement. My dearest best friend and I just landed ourselves the second floor apartment in a GORGEOUS brownstone (on the corner!) in Brooklyn. It is a two bedroom apartment WITH another tiny room that is going to be our bohemian/art/music/studio/study place, a HUGE living room with a BAY WINDOW and a kitchen and a normal sized bathroom and CLOSETS (anyone who has come to visit our current apartment will understand the gloriousness of a real bathroom and more than one closet)...I will include photos below :o) I need to take more...perhaps when we go give Mike, the dearest little man who lives on the first floor and owns the building, the deposit check tomorrow. I cannot believe we will live in this place, it is exquisite, we are thrilled.

living room

bedroom

bedroom

bathroom

bohemian artist room :o)

There is so much more to say about this place...it's on the corner of a beautiful block, with a little gated entrance and garden leading up to the house, beautiful dark wood entryway...I could go on and on. I cannot wait to make it ours. Yay!

[amanda]

[sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell]

i love this woman. so so much.

this video is AMAZING. musicvideogasm omg.

follow the link above to bliss.

[amanda]

[i was a heavy heart to carry]

So what do you do when your mind tells you that the step after Limbo could be a few different things, and you don't know which one is best?

A conundrum, most definitely, has come to plague me.

I still wish I had a wise old person telling me which choices were best. A little whisper of the things I would not really miss after awhile if I let them go. A hint as to what I should hold tight. I know that isn't realistic, but that does not stop me from wishing. I wish for a lot of unrealistic things. I can't help it. I'm a dreamer and a wisher, and I need to get my feet on the ground every once and awhile so that I can make life decisions and feel confident about them.

I live too much in my head.

I love too hard and I fear too much.

I wish I could split myself into three people and those three people could lead three different lives...and I think all three of them would be happy. But which one of the three should I be?

Tomorrow I'm going to become a redhead :o) Something that I can control. I will say I am excited about that. A couple of visits to family and friends are on the horizon. In the words of a wise and dear person, it is time to "clear [my] mind and get everything in working order." That is a bit of a weighted goal, but we shall see.

[amanda]

Florence + the Machine, "Heavy in Your Arms," Lungs - The B-sides

[i never thought we'd end up here in separate cages]

I feel on the cusp of something.

On the edge.

Something is approaching.

Or ending.

I feel a sense of excitement and melancholy all at once.

I was explaining this to my best friend/roommate (she's the greatest), and I was telling her that I couldn't figure it out, I couldn't find a way to explain what I was feeling, or why I sensed this change in the air. To my surprise, or maybe not so much to my surprise, she had a brilliant thought. Maybe...we are leaving Limbo.

Limbo.

I have been in Limbo since May 27, 2007. St. Olaf graduation. I definitely did not feel ready for that day, I loved college, and the ending of school meant the end of my easily structured life (which I am not whining about, don't get me wrong). I did not like the sudden gift of power over my own life - I did not see it as a gift at all. I felt behind, like I'd forgotten to get ready...and in truth, I had forgotten. I was not prepared. I went home to live with my parents, and in retrospect, I'm glad I did. But I entered Limbo that day. And I do believe I've lingered in that state of being since then; however, perhaps the end is in sight. It's funny...I think I've gotten comfortable in this land of Limbo. Even though I've wanted to get out of Limbo and feel more in control of my life, I have gotten used to the excuse. And what comes next? I mean, I certainly won't know all of the answers...and I don't expect to, I mean, that's ridiculous. I have no idea what comes after Limbo, I only know there has to be something...and maybe that Something is the change in the air.

We shall see, I suppose.

[amanda]

Ingrid Michaelson, "Let Go," Slow the Rain

[photos taken by yours truly in Prospect Park, 3.17.11]