[your songs remind me of swimming/which i forgot when i started to sink]

Well, hello there, March.

When it rains, it pours. It certainly does seem that way, right? At this moment in my life, I am going through huge stress/changes in my work, home, and personal life that all seem to be happening at once. I find it hard to concentrate on everything, and I have some trouble trusting my instincts, but like my mom keeps telling me, I will get through it, I will figure it out, I just have to take it day by day, step by step. Life is a series of hills and valleys. Like always, I do think about all of the wonderful people and opportunities and situations in my life, and I know that I have a lot to feel good about. Especially considering the state of the world. Sometimes I find it hard to balance my personal worries with the considerably larger worries of others...I feel foolish for crying about myself when there are so many worse things going on. But at the same time, as humans, we can't just ignore ourselves and our difficulties. We cannot feel guilty for trying to deal with our own lives. As long as we are aware of others and doing our best to be a part of society in the best way possible, we are not completely selfish...but is that enough? There are people who give their lives almost completely to the service of others...I marvel at those people, and I wonder if I am less of a good person for not being this way. Yet when I write that, I realize how selfish it sounds - it's not about being a good person or a bad person. Perhaps life is about knowing who you are and the gifts you possess and using yourself in the best way you know how. Be kind to others, use your talents, educate yourself, lend a listening ear or a helping hand...if that means writing a song, doing Teach for America, volunteering your aide in disaster struck areas, donating money to specific funds and charities, or simply talking to others and raising awareness about an important issue...all can be good ways of living as one of the billions of people in this crazy world. I don't know, I'm rambling.

Do you ever find yourself feeling nostalgic for times in your life that were not particularly great, simply because they are over? I feel that way about middle school and high school. I completely understand my nostalgia for the simplicity of childhood and the lovely days of college/post college (as they pass), but the middle/high school time isn't necessary full of life changing and beautiful memories. I mean, some of the best people I have in my life are from this period, and I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today without those awkward young adult times...but the moments of beauty are often overshadowed by the memories of insecurity, awkward hair, changing bodies, chemistry homework (which I actually enjoyed at the time...), and friendship issues. At the same time, when I think back to my days in Tacoma, WA and Galesburg, IL, I find that I miss them...there is something so attractive about the past when you are looking at it with a slightly more experienced eye. I know how things turned out, so what made me sad then does not make me sad when I think back to it, rather I find it to be more humorous and whimsical. And someday, this period in my life - a 26 year old finding my way through adulthood in New York City, dealing with a bedroom that rains inside when it's raining outside, a job that I enjoy but is most likely giving me an ulcer, and a dream of being an actor/singer/songwriter/dancer that is completely possible and impossible at the same time - this will be the new nostalgic time. So much can happen, I'm so drunk with a love for life and I deeply fear it all at once, it's quite overwhelming.

Another topic I want to discuss is the desire to achieve perfection. I have been thinking about this a lot with my current job. I work with a team of people to create a beautiful and sellable display of garments and dressed up plastic people only to watch it torn to shreds by the greedy hands of New York City shoppers. No one knows that we come in at the ass crack of dawn each day to fulfill the wishes of the upper visionaries, no one watches us drag ladders back and forth, no one sees us hoisting fake people equal to or greater than our weight and size up and down scaffolding. No one is there to rub in the burn cream after that cheap iron leaves another brutal scar. And just when you think you've succeeded, and you've impressed the right people, another group of people comes in to tell you to change everything and wonders why is everything is a mess. I tell myself not to get down and disappointed, but when others seem down and disappointed in me it's difficult to not be affected. However, the other day I was on a subway line that was having some issues (the 7 train, obv, ugh Queens ;o) haha) and we had to stop underground to let a bunch of MTA workers onto the train (I mean who wants to hang out down there, really?). And I started thinking about their job...they are constantly fixing tracks and cars and electrical stuff and who knows what else, like I even know what I'm talking about...and the next day they have to do the same thing over and over again, with people complaining about slow service and fucked up changes (I won't say I haven't been one of the complainers), when really they must be thinking, "Shut UP, you wanna come down here and hang out with the rats? No? Then let me do my job!" And then I thought further about chefs...they prepare beautiful meals that are masticated into the hungry and greedy mouths of the human race and then shit out a number of hours later. If you clean your house, it is dirty again within three days. Sometimes I feel as though it would be better to let the dust pile up cuz if I dust, dust will return. You make money only to spend it. I feel somewhat depressed about all of this. BUT. YOU CANNOT AVOID IT! So why get depressed, right? Enjoy those gourmet meals and shit them out with pleasure. Do your job well and know that people ruining it only helps you keep your job for another day. Clean your house and feel proud of it, and when it's dirty again turn on some dance music and spice things up by cleaning in sexy panties. Life is messy. So it sex...but we like sex, we aren't going to stop having sex (at least I won't) so in short, we must deal with the mess. And maybe try to find the good in it. Because perfection cannot be achieved. I need to stop seeing that as a bad thing.

[amanda]

title quote - "Swimming," Florence + the Machine, Lungs - The B-sides

[and i set fire to the rain]

As I wasn't allowed to take photos of the experience, this is all I have to show you. A pay stub, a raffle ticket, my hair clip, and some 2012 confetti that fell out of my hood when I came home. I will try and reflect on the experience at a later date...it was definitely interesting and crazy and cold...and there's a little special story too. But just so you know, New Years 2012 is going to be cold and fun, haha. It was weird to be celebrating something that hasn't happened yet.

Mmmmmm.

Also, just downloaded Adele's new album, 21, and took one of the song titles for my title quote...

The woman is brilliant, I simply love her. Yum. Listen to it as soon as you can.

[amanda]

[live on coffee and flowers/try not to wonder what the weather will be]

No time for a real update but I MUST share...

So about a year and a half ago...actually, probably more, maybe over two years ago, I went on a call to be an extra in Sex and the City 2. I waited in a loooooong line, and then gave them my headshot/resume, got a photo taken, and left! Then I didn't hear anything, the movie was made (I haven't even seen it yet cuz I heard it was bad) and I forgot about it, mostly.

BUT.

About a week ago I got an email from the casting company and they needed extras for scenes in New Years Eve, a movie being made right now that is a lot like that movie Valentine's Day with a shit ton of famous people and lots of stories. AND I've been asked to do some extra work for them...tonight is my first night! We are doing Times Square NYE stuff and I have to be there from 5pm tonight until really early tomorrow morning (and I work at 7 am tomorrow haha) and I am THRILLED. I've never done anything like this before, and I'm sure there are people who are like, "Ew, you have to stand around for hours and it's boring," but I don't see myself being one of those people. Plus I get paid! I don't know how many times I'll get to work on the film but at least I get to do it tonight! Anyway...time for me to get ready. I'll share the experience on here as soon as I can. Until then, here's a link to the film...

[amanda]

title quote: The National, "Conversation 16," High Violet

[between two lungs it was released/the breath that carried me]

I just finished two FANTASTIC books, and I must recommend them everywhere, including here.

First, I made it down to number one on the list for Jonathan Franzen's Freedom (finally!), and that was a beautiful and frustrating experience of a book. I found myself in such a mix of emotions throughout the entire read. I never completely liked or completely disliked any of the characters, which bothered me at first...but then I became comfortable with it. I don't think I would have liked to only have one opinion either way. I do not mean to say I was apathetic...far from it, actually. What I mean is simultaneous feelings of hatred and compassion and love and confusion and disappointment. While I'd love to write an insightful and informative commentary on the book, it's still just living in my head right now and I'm not sure I could find words lovely enough to express what I felt reading the book and what I feel now that I have finished. I can only say that you should read it, and then maybe we can have a talk.

Today I finished Room, by Emma Donoghue. I'm reading it for a book club of friends (new and old) I have just joined, and I am just as enthralled and affected by this book as I am with Freedom. Told through the perspective of five year old Jack, it is intelligent and endearing and provocative and disturbing. I do not want to give any of this dark and beautiful tale away, so you must just read it yourself. You won't take long...it's impossible to put down - not only did I nearly miss my subway stop THREE TIMES in the past three days, but I also came home from a bar at 2am and decided to read a little before going to sleep...ended up reading until 5 in the morning...seriously. So just do it :o)

Anyway, now I am going to read The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. I am excited. Thank you to my wonderful mom and dad for introducing me to the inescapable world of literature at such an early age...I am forever grateful.

[amanda]

"Between Two Lungs," Florence + the Machine, Lungs

[and don't you know i'm not your ghost anymore]

Spring has, seemingly, arrived in New York City. The appearance of a new season is always slightly comical. We do not realize how accustomed we have become to our fashion choices, or how attached we are to the basic necessities required by demanding temperature extremities. We progress from winter coats with wooly accessories, to hooded pastel spring jackets with floral accents; from carrying a cardigan in our bulky bags full of other random items, to sweating and sticking to our thin tank tops underground where the air ceases to flow; and then we are back to jean jackets and cropped blazers until we break out the winter coats to protect us from the harsh winds and chilly nights. When you add in the changes of fashion to the mix, well...I won't get into that at the moment. What I am trying to get to, in all my rambling, is that on the first day of 62 degree weather in the year 2011, the scene on the streets of New York was an interesting one. Those people who did not need to leave their apartments until later in the day (this is not me, as I leave for work before the sun has risen...lit'rally) had the luxury of being prepared, and were sporting cute skirts and flats; those who, like me, had left their homes when it was a mere 31 degrees under a moonlit dawn, were looking inappropriate and uncomfortable in their fur-hooded coats. For the record, I had looked ahead and braved the cold this morning in order to avoid this trouble in the afternoon; however, I was still feeling a little warm in my socks and boots. This may seem trivial to some of you, but I am completely serious when I say that the combination of fading Winter and blossoming Spring on the seemingly more crowded streets was noticeable to the willing observer.

Enough on that for now.

Many aspects of "going green" are not only a good idea for the planet we occupy, they are also much more practical. I am specifically speaking of carrying cloth shopping bags around for all shopping purposes (groceries, clothes, Target, etc). I mean, in New York City it's easy to look like a douche if you DON'T have your own bags at the check-out counter - any time I have forgotten to think ahead and struggled home with plastic shopping bags is a time of shame and annoyance at myself - so that may be one reason to jump on this bandwagon. Yet the more simple benefit is how much easier it makes everything. Think about it - in most other American cities, people drive to the store. They have laundry machines in their homes. They can run multiple errands at a time and keep loading things up in the trunk of the car. We in NYC still run these multiple errands, mostly because you do not want to be going back and forth on the subway all day. You must find the most efficient and least expensive way to get from point A to point G and back again to point A, all of which is done on foot. Have you ever noticed that what crams into five Target bags can be transported into ONE sturdy personal shopping bag, perhaps throwing your lip gloss or moisturizer in your purse to save some space? I once did that...I had just moved here and I couldn't find my own bag in the depths of my purse, and the cashier had already started bagging things up for me. I had not acquired my New York "toughness" at that point, so I didn't say anything and carried all five bags out of the store, and then found a place out of the way to transport my items into my one bag. Now I am more prepared and, if necessary, more outspoken. I managed to load up three bags today, and as I was walking home I kept thinking about how happy I was and how easy it is to traipse around the city whilst running ten million errands when I have my own supplies. Plus I'm doing a tiny little bit to help the planet. I would say that is a winning combination.

A small disaster when carrying a lot of bags: when your iPod is on shuffle and your hands are undeniably unavailable to do any song changing, a random musical theatre song will pop up. I endured "The Wrong Note Rag" from Wonderful Town for part of my walk home today, and while it was somewhat amusing, it was more than slightly obnoxious. Especially because it isn't the first time that song has invaded my musical psyche. I only have the song because I needed to learn it when I was in the show last August, but somehow my iPod thinks I really want to hear it in times of inescapable listening.

The weekend is here. I am going to relish in it. Mmmm.

[amanda]

*title quote: Christina Perri, "Jar of Hearts"*

[my funny valentine]

Having an amazing meal and wine with my best friend is quite a lovely way to spend Valentine's Day 2011. We may have been surrounded by some awkward dates, but who doesn't love to be a fly on that wall? I am lucky enough to feel love around me all day and every day...makes me a pretty happy girl.

February is half-way through...where did the time go?

Salamander Stew finished in the final eight for the Strawberry One-Act Festival, with a nomination for best actor to our leading man, and a WIN for BEST DIRECTORS to the amazing Juliet and Ron. An experience I shall never forget and will be forever in my heart. Love to all involved.

Sigh...work. You take up too much of my time. Must sleep a bit before I head back to the mine shaft...

xoxo

[amanda]

[sunray dance at the foot of the stairs, crashing through the stain glass window]

It could very well be argued that I tend to be an optimistic person. I used to be much more so; however, there is a cynical realist living inside me that came along around the time I was eighteen. Yet I more often than not, I am delighted to find that the heart of an optimist still beats within me, as was exemplified today.

Not that I am ever particularly thrilled to get up at 4 am for work, and I will admit that, like many, a small part of my brain will wish for a blizzard or an MTA strike to prevent me from a guilt-free day off (yet that would cause much more havoc than necessary, and like I said, it is a small part of my brain). However, I do not favor dealing with household annoyances as a way of missing a day of work. Today was a day of stress and hassle, and I have to admit, I might have preferred to feel these emotions in the workplace rather than the (dis)comfort of my own home. Let me explain. I awoke before the crack of dawn to the sound of dripping. Already I was concerned. Our apartment is known for some leaks and spills, but nothing that has ever been too severe. Yet as the morning continued (is that considered morning? 4 am? I suppose so), water from the ice storm outside seemed to be advancing into the beloved hovel that I call my room. A strange arrangement of mixing bowls and towels later, I was reading my book, pausing every 20 minutes to empty the bowls (yes, that often), and calling my job to tell them I'd be waiting around for the super to give me some sort of solution. Upon waking up from a cat nap around 8:30, I found that the water had started to invade more than I felt appropriate, and I began moving out of my room. Seriously. I now reside in the living room, and I am lucky to live with such an amazing woman that I will certainly be tolerated...but for how long? A few visits and phone calls with various people connected to the apartment gave me little to no information and help...my mom had more advice and knowledge than all of these people put together. Add that to the no-show that was supposed to come an hour ago, and you have yourself a pretty frustrated girl. There is water dripping from a third of my ceiling, bubbles of water stretching the paint in the outer wall, not to mention my sad dirty curtains and floor. I have managed to save everything else. I wonder when the management company and the people they deem appropriate to fix things around here will be able to get to work. Man, I love renting. Fuck this, seriously.

And yet.

Here are some of the thoughts that persuade my brain not to feel so angry...

- At least I have a home to worry about. I have shelter. I am safe.

- I will really get to achieve some Spring Cleaning now that my room is nearly cleared out! Granted, I have no idea when I'll be able to bring my stuff back in there, certainly not until I feel assured that the likelihood of moving it out again has slightly diminished; nonetheless, it will be fun to reorganize, as I am a freak and love to do that.

- My organizational skills have allowed me to do a kick ass job of fitting my things as discreetly as possible into the other rooms of the apartment. At least, I think so. We shall see what the roommate thinks, haha.

- This happened when I was still at home to take care of it...it did mean calling out of work; HOWEVER, if it had started while I was out of the building, I would have come home to ruined books and mementos and many other belongings. Now if it leaks again, it will merely leak into bowls and a fixable bed-frame and a floor.

Anyway...the list could go on, I'm sure. I do hope this gets fixed soon, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be Susie Sunshine (what?) about it, because that's annoying. The situation definitely sucks, I will not lie. But in times such as these it is good to keep those other things in mind. And to remember that New York is a very old city with very old buildings, and I would be hard-pressed to find one with a complete absence of water problems. Especially at the price I pay, haha.

I have included some photos, for those of you who want to laugh at how tiny a New York City apartment can be. I prefer to think of my bedroom as cozy rather than small or cell-like; although at the moment it is just empty and wet.

[amanda]

title lyrics - Sunray by Brenda Weiler