It's funny. When there's so much to write about, the inability to write becomes greater. My mind has been consumed by thoughts about change and transition in my life. I have had difficulty sorting things out in my own silly brain, so the drive to write about everything in a blogging atmosphere was pretty much zero. Somewhat a case of perpetual writer's block, and somewhat a case of reclusiveness. Since moving to New York I think I have become more and more of a recluse, actually. Seems like an oxymoron, but interestingly enough, many people in NYC have told me that they often feel "lonely" more than anything else. I don't think lonely necessarily translates to unhappy, but it can.
So, the biggest news, in my life anyway. I have decided to leave New York. I am actually very excited about this. I am hopeful and optimistic. I am going to a place where I have a lot of good connections, great friends, and the opportunity to do more of what I love. My aunt Linda told me I should write a piece, "Why I am breaking up with you, New York City," and submit it to some magazines and newspapers, because what's on my mind is definitely on the minds of others. Besides, breaking up is hardly ever only negative - it's difficult to break up with someone (or something, someplace) you love. You have both positive and negative memories, and deciding which memories dominate your final decision can be nearly impossible. I've been going back and forth about this for over a year - but someone once told me that when it's time to leave New York, I'll know. And I have found that to be true. I know. I'm ready. Just like I knew when it was time to move here. I do not regret moving here at all, 0% regret, completely. I am so happy I did. But living here has taught me a lot - about myself, about what I want. And I've grown up in the past three and a half years. What I want now is very different from what I wanted when I was 24. I have always had trouble doing what I want vs. doing what others think I should do. That has evolved into doing what I think others think I should do. Hot mess. As I have said in many posts before, I'm sure no one else is even thinking about me. I don't mean that in a melodramatic way, obviously people think of me, like my family and friends. But I need to do what I want. So I am. And I am happy about it.
On to other perpetual wonderings! Another subject that has consumed my brain lately -consideration. Too much vs. too little. New York City vs. the rest of the U.S and the world. I wonder whether or not I am too impatient about consideration. Do I expect too much? I think I may be a little oversensitive to the subject of consideration, but there are times when the lack of it in this place is ridiculous. Between train etiquette and the retail industry in a city full of millions of people and thousands (millions?) of tourists; living in a neighborhood where people are yelling and fighting outside at midnight, littering in the street, and teaching their children to tell other children to "F$*k off" and hit each other; all of this has led me to become very weary and tired of the behavior I see on a daily basis. [Side note: this topic contributes just a small portion to my many reasons for leaving NYC, the more prominent reasons have to do with passion, art, personal happiness, pace of life, etc.] So many people just shove each other around here, and I've even been guilty of that before. Why can't everyone step to the side while people get out of the train before getting on? Many people do, yes, but many others are only thinking about getting a seat and where they are going that they don't notice that they are walking straight into another human being. I am at work at 6 o'clock in the morning five days a week to make a place look really nice so that people will want to shop there. And when I see people walk in at 9 o'clock and start to tear the place apart, I experience a heartbreaking challenge. Yes I know that I am quite a perfectionist and a bit obsessive and compulsive about organization and cleanliness. But I also go shopping, and I know it is possible to not do so like a fiend on crack. People have to know that someone has to clean up after them, and while yes, those people are paid to do so, it also takes a lot of time and energy and the ratio of shoppers to sales people is not even a plausible equation to me. This goes for restaurants, bars, the street, everywhere. I ask myself every day if my expectations are too high, and usually my answer is yes, they are - but I still don't see a happy medium.
I have become angrier and more frustrated than I'd like. It is difficult to look at myself and see traits that cloud the positive person I have always tried to be.
Moving around throughout childhood has invoked quite a sense of wanderlust in my being. Despite my inability to accept endings and change (even though I am forced to), I still find ways to make changes. This world is so big and full of interesting people and places. New York City is only one of them. I feel lucky to have been able to call this place home for three and a half years. I know that it is a fantastic place. I also know it is not the only place.
I need to write down all of the things I want to do before I leave. I don't really have a lot of time, actually. I know that there is so much I will miss about this city. I will cry when I drive away. But I am full of hope and excitement. I am ready for the next challenge. If New York could give me one parting gift, I want it to hold true to the statement that "If you can live in New York City, you can live anywhere." We shall see.
I shall see.
[amanda]
title quote: "Wasp Nest," The National, Cherry Tree
